Self Assembly? Pah!!

Don't believe the claims on the carton. Self Assembly, pah! I took out all the bits and set them on the floor. Nothing happened. I tried gentle urging, nothing. I tried raising my voice, shouting even, but still the pieces stubbornly refused to self assemble. I gave up. Self assembly, pah. I had to get out my screwdriver and put the damned thing together myself!