If I were on The Great British Bake Off.

Paul Hollywood: They're monstrous. I wouldn't want to put
those anywhere near my mouth to be honest.

Mary Berry: They're really rather rustic aren't they? Most unattractive.

They're meant to be blackberry plum and apple turnovers.
How shite do they look?
Like dribbling knackers in arse pastry.

It's a good thing I have other skills in the kitchen.
Like boiling. And eating.