Mystery Cat

Casper wants to be a Mystery Cat: to be called the Hidden Paw—
But he's not a master criminal, excelling at petty crime, he doesn't defy the Law.
He's not on the books at Scotland Yard, the Flying Squad's don't care:
But when I reach the scene of crime—Furball isn't there!

Furball, my K-man, there's no one like our Casper,
He's broken every feline law, it makes him go even faster.
The way he makes things disappear, it would make a magician stare,
And when you reach the scene of crime—Casper isn't there!
You may seek him in the bathroom, you may look up in the air—
But I tell you once and once again, Casper isn't there!

Casper is a black cat, he's very long and fluffy;
You would know him if you saw him, for his fur makes him puffy.
His brow is smooth and without thought, his ears are soft and sharp;
His coat is shiny from being brushed, his whiskers are very smart.
He nods his head from side to side, like a boat upon a lake;
You can never tell if he's half asleep, or perhaps wide awake.

Casper, Casper, there's no one quite like Casper,
For he's a fiend in feline shape, and of chaos a master.
You may see him in the bath-tub, or meet upon the stair—
But when a crime's discovered, Casper isn't there!

He's outwardly respectable. (But I've seen him cheat at cards.)
And his footprints, as I mentioned, aren't found in Scotland Yard
And when the dinner plate's been looted, or the treat box is rifled,
Or when the cat milk carton's missing, or a pillow has been stifled,
Or the banister is broken, and the curtain past repair
Ay, there's the wonder of the thing! Casper's never there!

Casper, Casper, there's no one quite like Casper,
There never was a Cat of such craftiness and suavity.
He always has an alibi, and one or two to spare:
At whatever time the deed took place—CASPER WASN'T THERE !

apologies to TS Elliott.