what I think of when I think of The Wizard of Oz

Here we are in another Oz, where it is the walls and not the road that is yellow, and a stylish ruby hat instead of shoes. The Wizard of Oz has one abiding memory for me, and it isn't that I watched it on the telly most Christmas Days.

When I was in Primary 4 I played the Farmer Munchkin in the school play. It was a prestigious speaking role. The other speaking role of Mayor Munchkin went to a lad from Kilmalcolm. I had a total crush on the P7 that was playing Dorothy. As to my part in the play, I can still recall my munchkin dialogue:

ME MUNCHKIN (pointing at house that's just landed in Oz and flattened the Wicked Witch of the East): There ! There's the magic house !
MAYOR MUNCHKIN: It flies you say !!?
ME MUNCHKIN : Yes! It came riiiight over the rainbow.... ZOOOM!!
(I arc my arm to show it curving over the rainbow and when I say 'ZOOM' I knock the Mayor's Hat off. Cue big laughs)

Well. There were many laughs. My mum and her Knitting-Be pals were in the audience as I stood in the spotlight, front and centre, and delivered my side-splitting slapstick. Not quite, for I was a nervous young starlet and I scratched, pulled, rubbed and tugged agitatedly at my testicles throughout. Much to the horror and hilarity of the crowd and my mum's pals. But I knew nothing of this on the night.

The following day at Clune Park Primary I noticed a few of the boys were looking at me. I thought my star status was guaranteed and that I must have shone like some kind of God. No.
" Hahaha: there's that wee guy that was scratching his baws at the play last night!!"

Hahahaha... wait a minute. Me? Could they be talking of the Munchkin Marvel that had obviously impressed Dorothy by his performance that they were going to become married, or something, that very day !?
Yes. It was me they were laughing at. As the day went on the reality of my acting ability became all too apparent. I became dejected. Dorothy definitely wouldn't marry a ball scratching munchkin that day or any other day for that matter. My dreams of an acting life as one half of the most famous acting couple in Scotland (the other being my wife: Dorothy) popped like a soapy bubble.

And that is what I think of when I think of the Wizard of Oz.