Live

My Ikea pink boxes arrived yesterday, and this is their new home. I think they look lovely. I wasn't sure about pink, but they tie in with the varying shades of pink of my sofa cushions. I've lived here almost two years, and it's taken a lot of time to get things the way I want them, but I love seeing something new and buying it for the house.

This may in part be the reason I have managed to clock up around £2000 on my credit card since April! Mostly it is clothes, outings etc, but a lot of homewares too. I thought at first it was years of repression, ie; never having slush money to spend, so never going to the shops. But I think in all honesty, it's become a crutch. Every time I feel miserable, spending money seems to make me happy.

I bought this sign in a little gift shop in Windsor in the summer, and I love it. And God, I'm trying. I hoped it would be a reminder to keep going, no matter how despairing you feel sometimes. I had honestly felt I was doing much better these last few weeks, and getting my life back together again. Well, at least trying to construct a new reality. But I had a blip yesterday when I realised he'd seemingly disappeared off of Facebook again. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I think it may be because I met up with a friend of his last week, and she took a picture of us and posted it. Rock It Like A RedheadFine by me, but he must have seen it as he's friends with her. It makes me feel like I've done something wrong, and yet we've had zero contact at all for about 6 weeks or more. And all those negative feelings come flooding straight back. My feeling haven't changed. I keep going on dates, and trying to move on, but it's not easy when you've still got feelings for your old flame. What's worse is I keep thinking about where we were this time last year- "we went on our 2nd date", "oh, that's when he went to the States" etc. Jeez, talk about making it harder on yourself! Plus every weekend I'm assuming, rightly or wrongly that he's DJing and everyone is there with him. And I'm not allowed to go. It sucks.

Sometimes I just feel I'm never going to be free of this mess. I'm locked in a state of " can't go back, can't move on". I wish, I wish, I could turn back the clock and undo that night in July. Birthday Party

But maybe it was for the best. I believe people come into your life for different reasons, and he gave me a lot, and taught me a lot about myself. I saw in a TV movie once, some silly line " I believe that the Lord has a plan for every one of us, and it unfolds for the best". I'm not religious, but I do believe that's true. And maybe I'm not meant to be doing the same as everyone else right now. And maybe that's ok. I'm a brave lady, and a tough cookie. Maybe it's made me stronger.

Well, that was very deep for a Saturday night, wasn't it?! I need to get my beauty sleep, I've got a date tomorrow afternoon in London...