Kaiho

I have always known I was adopted. My childhood was trauma-free and healthy, however I never fit in nor lived anywhere long enough to feel grounded. My adoptive father, a wildlife biologist, moved our family from one US National Forest to the next. The forest became my constant, my home and my place. Surrounded by trees, there are no people to analyze, critique, categorize or judge; I feel safe here. Due to advancements in genetic science, I was able to learn about my origins. My natural mother’s ancient ancestors settled in Finland before wandering Northern Europe and landing in the United States. For the first time, I had a biological world context, personally anchoring me to a history and place that was “of “me. The fact that over seventy-five percent of Finland is covered in forest, seemed to make this discovery more symbolic.

I was not prepared for Finland: isolated landscapes; clear lakes; primordial forests and exquisite light. However, the most transformative experience was the flood of overwhelming emotion; the sense of love, connectedness, relief, sadness, loss, grief, and nostalgia. The Finnish have a word for this, ‘kaiho.’ Kaiho is an overwhelming state of nostalgic and melancholic longing for something, or someone, which has been lost. With kaiho there is often an unacknowledged, or repressed, understanding that whatever has been lost will never be found. What is it to long for something: a home; a place; a history; which you have never known, will never have and cannot fully understand.