Nipple grease

I suffered a catastrophic failure of the washer in each of the kitchen taps yesterday evening and, because of the Law of Sod, I only had one spare replacement. Thus I had to brave the traffic and visit a hardware store. This gave me flashbacks to the first time I entered such an emporium here in the louche South.

Now I'm as broad-minded as the next bloke but there are limits. I'm from a picturesque fishing village near the confluence of the rivers Irwell, Irk and Medlock and we know all about the racy goings on in the bedroom. Sometimes we spice things up by leaving the light on and I once knew someone who knew someone who had heard of a couple who spoke to each other during the act; kinky in the extreme in my view. Mancunian sex is based around the interval in Coronation Street and that interval also has to accommodate making a cup of tea and smoking a B&H. But that's before I moved down here. The first hardware store I visited was displaying for sale as bold as brass, and not even on the top shelf, nipple grease. How you get your jollies is between you and your partners of course but I think you may need some advice and guidance if you are messing about with this stuff. To be frank I'd much rather have a nice cup of tea and a chocolate Hobnob.

And returning to this image - I'm prepared to bet that Homebase in Oldham has these tins correctly labelled as purple and pink. Beetroot? Hibiscus? For goodness sake people - catch yourself on!