Everything Old Is New Again

Where to start?

The day started well, as although was still cold, there was a flicker of blue sky that managed to last the morning, and then reappeared in late afternoon, which lifted my spirits after 10 days of grey.

We had a mufti day at school, which was nice as it was like casual Friday in leggings and Ugg boots. We also did our pre-dress rehearsal dress rehearsal (!) for their Christmas Play! While most of us were in good spirits, tensions ran high as one of our team has a bit of an attitude problem at the moment, and none of us really want to have anything to do with her! Apart from that, it was a good day all things considered.

But I had other things on my mind. Mum ad Dad have gone to Spain for a week, just to get away. And from Saturday I'll be staying at their house (long story!). Tonight I am being brave. Well, I am brave anyway, but perhaps extra brave. Guy friend is DJing for the Sinterklass event they have every year, and I'm going. I was quite apprehensive, but although I wanted very much to see him, I have made plans to go with other friends that I've been going there with lately, so in a way in seems certainly natural that I would go. I decided not to advertise this, but I figured all my 'old' friends would be going as well, and I really wanted to see them too.

I wanted to head out early, as I have a deathly fear of Word-Cup -Style queueing, after June! World Cup QueueingAnd it's far too cold to stand outside tonight! I managed to make the 5pm fast train, and was in London by 5:45. I bought a book in Foyles that I saw last week, and had a quick browse. Truth be told I think I was stalling, and although it sounds silly, this was quite a thing to overcome tonight.

I arrived to find the pub not too busy for a Friday, and it felt lovely and warm and welcoming. I went straight to the loo, to gather my bearings, and bumped into one of his friends, a lady I met at the ill-fated boat party. We chatted a little, and I felt bad, like this was a mistake. Once again, I gathered my courage.

None of my friends were there yet, so I got myself a drink and found a table to stand at, while I messages them. I realised I recognised the little note about the table being reserved for Sinterklass later on, so I figured he wasn't there yet and I could relax a little. And I did. I people watched, which I love to do.

I must have spent about an hour by myself, which was fine. I was looking at my phone, and then I looked up, and there he was. With his back to me, at the bar saying hi to the owners and staff. Same coat, same profile. I felt my chest begin to whoosh, and that familiar pins and needles down my arms. Stress. I saw a friend of his walk in, but she didn't see him and walked right past. If I was going to speak to him, I wanted to do it without an audience. At that very moment, a few guys I didn't know started trying to chat to me, and stood at my table, which was very irritating, as I was feeling stressed about how this would go. I've been hoping for the best, and yet preparing for the worst. He walked towards me, and I think I caught his attention. The words spilled out in a bit of a mess, jokingly reassuring him that I had come with friends and hadn't come to hunt him down or harass him, and he kind of smiled and said ok. We talked about him dressing up as Sinterklass, and I remember I playfully punched him on the shoulder. One of his fiends that I knew arrived, which was great as we began chatting in a three, which made it less intense. He went upstairs to get sorted, and I got chatting with the friend. He came back about 10 minutes later, and again, the three of us chatted about the night, and what he was going to wear. Apparently for years he has had a beard that in his words "smells like a dead dog" attached to my face, and we laughed, and then he said he should't have said that to somebody that loves dogs, me. And then I knew that everything would be ok. He went off to get ready, and I relaxed. Relief flooded through me. I enjoyed chatting with our friend, and then he took me to see some of their other friends. He was a little taken aback when I said I would stay there rather than follow him. I told him I wasn't sure I would be welcome. He told me I was, so I went. And they were lovely to me. Most I had met before, but there were a few new faces. Another girl who wasn't part of their group, but who we both knew came to join, and I immediately felt much better. We talked and chatted, and had a few drinks.

A little later on, the music changed to Christmassy-type stuff, and we saw a glimpse of the man with the big white crown. He does a little parade through, shakes people's hands and poses for photo's etc, while Zwarte Piet follows him, tossing out Pepernoten (kind of like gingerbread) from his bag to the crowd. My friend asked me to take her picture with him, and said we should take one together. I said I would, but then I backed out. I wasn't sure if I should. I wish I had now though, as everybody else did. Ah well, history and all that. He disappeared outside- apparently they do a little parade around the block, which I'm sure was quite a sight for all the tourists outside!

My friends arrived a little later. Two dudes who got totally wrecked here last night, as it was one of their birthdays. I wished in a way they weren't there. I was happy to be back in my old crowd, and it was a bit disconcerting having my old and new worlds side by side.

For the rest of the evening I danced with the group, and had a genuinely great time. On of my best friends, K, showed up. I was hoping she would, as I hadn't seen her since half-term, and I thought she probably would be here tonight. I made a few brief trips to guy friend's table where he was DJing. It was weird as we were in a different place further away from him, as usually we all dance near him so we can all talk. We talked a little about music etc, and I made a request for a song. He asked me if I wanted him to look after my handbag (it's a pain carrying it around, and as his space is in a corner, everybody's bits usually go where they're safe!).

I had a great time, and did not spend all my time at his side. He told me before that every time girls came up and talked to him, I looked like I wanted to stick pins in their eyes, so conscious of this fact, I stayed mostly away!

At the end, I asked if he was walking back to the station, and we planned to walk back together. When it finished, I hung around. The lights came on, as the horrible (and tonight rude) bouncer guys tried to pour drinks into plastic cups and shuffle people out the door. Guy friend was chatting only a hair's breadth away from my friend, who doesn't like him. At one point he asked me what I was doing, and I had to turn away from him as he wouldn't leave it. I couldn't join in with the chatting as it was dangerous territory- they were very close together and my friend had had rather a lot to drink, and I was petrified he would say something and ruin the evening. Luckily he didn't, and guy friend collected his cash and we left.

We had a nice, and very chilly walk back to Waterloo. It was so nice to walk beside him again, and we chatted. The nice thing about tonight is that neither one of us brought up the past. I didn't want to, I just want to forget about it and move on. We talked a little about Creamfields, but not in a negative way.

We got a drink, and then found out train. We walked right to the very last carriage, another thing he taught me to do, and it was quiet in there unlike it usually is. It sounds really silly, but I felt like I had to pinch myself all evening, I couldn't believe I was actually sitting beside him, having a normal conversation! It's been nearly 4 months since I saw him.

The one time I wanted the train to be slower, but it was on good time. Guy friend gets off a stop before me, so when he got up to leave, my chest whooshed again. I didn't want it to end. He hugged me, and he said he'd see me again when his next DJ session is. And that was it.

I felt a little sad, but also happy inside. My heart has been somewhat mended, my veil of sadness lifted, and my soul filled with peace. This is what I had hoped for. We can't go back to where we were, but we can have a friendship, and that is very important. And I am relieved that just for once, something went the way I wanted it to. I had been so prepared for a horrible evening, even though I thought it would help me in the long run, that I hadn't dared believe that I might get what I wanted.

It does my heart glad.