Cuddles

I lay awake again most of the night with W. He's so well now, you wouldn't know there was much wrong with him. Many of the babies here are very poorly or very premature so the doctors keep commenting on how big and strong he is in comparison. All really positive stuff. It is the condition of many of the babies that leads to the nurses not really liking you getting your baby out of the cot. I think they're more relaxed when you change them in their cot and replace them back to the cot after feeds and nappy changes. I find this so so hard. I like him out in front of me. Making eye contact. Cuddling and bonding. In fact I just want to home now.

L and M both have stinking colds and thankfully my mum saved the day and took them for a few hrs so E and J could come visit. It was the most relaxed I've felt all week. Sometimes M finds it hard when she's out of routine so it was good not to manage that and give E extra cuddles for a change. She so often gets over looked.
Everything was lovely until shortly after my visitors left and the consultant knocked on the door to tell me that there's accidentally given W too much of his antib's and he'd need to have more tests for kidney damage and hearing problems. I listened carefully and tried to take it all in. I was told that just one spike may not actually cause any problems but they were just being cautious. I wasn't angry with them it just felt like a kick in the stomach. The horrible realisation that the same people who made him so much better may also have ruined him.

That night I ignored the rules, closed the door, pulled W into bed with me and had a little cry. When nurses came in to check on us I just pretended I was asleep until it was time for his next obs when indiscreetly slipped him back into his cot.