oshawa beach

lake ontario

went and wandered in the water with amber today. carried my camera with me (sketchy!) got a couple nice shots

and a sunburn. boo-urns

----

went for an interview(?) i suppose you would call it, with a free counselling service. i hated it. the counselor, i think was more concerned with me approving of him.. which made him awkward and uncomfortable. which made me awkward and uncomfortable...

it wasn't very helpful.. he asked me random questions, but left it open ended, and at one point was like "did i miss anything i shouldn't have" and he asked me why i was there. and all of these questions, that i didn't have answers to, simply because i was there to figure that stuff out... i didn't know i was supposed to walk in already knowing what counselling will do for me.

after all was said and done.. i believe i need cognitive behavioral therapy. it's just a cycle, the main part of the cycle that effects you, in the case of either depression, or anxiety, is thinking. but it's like this..

--->behavior---->thoughts--
|-----------feelings<-----------|

crappiest diagram ever...

you think negatively, then you feel negatively, then you behave in a negative fashion (i.e. i would avoid social situations, because of how i interpreted them in my head. which brings me to avoid them [behavior]) so if i change my thoughts, then i change my feelings, then i change my behavior, then it changes my thoughts for me...

i just think too much. i think too negatively. i assume, i think the worst, i over-exaggerate, i think negatively about myself.

this is all logic. i've always known that.. i always get so worried, so anxious about things like.. social situations, interviews, doctors appts, anything, but as soon as i say what i'm thinking out loud, it's so extreme and stupid. and then i say "i know, it's unreasonable, nothing is ever as bad as it seems" but anxiety is hard to control with logic thoughts...

i guess i just need to focus.


...day 69