on all fronts

I took a little break from blipping, and snapping pictures. I just didn't really feel up to it.
Last week was heavy in so many ways, followed by a the best weekend I have had in MONTHS.
N and I went away to the place we are looking to relocate, and it is just as beautiful as the last time I left it. But now we are back. And as soon as we hit the county line, the heaviness returned.
Lately I have been thinking that I am manifesting some of the things that trouble me. I believe in cognitive thinking, I think there is a lot to it, probably spoken like a true post-therapy patient. Anyway, because somewhere in the last year I lost my optimism and brightness I feel like some of my bad luck had perpetuated because of the thoughts I have that feed this entity in the universe. Too much, for you? Do you follow?
I don't know. I really struggle with what is meant to be and what I made happen. Is there a difference between signs and common sense? I keep searching for all the answers in one tight little box and keep ending up empty handed. On the way home today I was talking with N's mother, (she came along with us) about feeling like I don't really have a connection with either side of my family and that somehow, this disconnected feeling attributed to the detachment I feel with religion and spirituality. This feels way to heavy and totally unrealistic to handle in one blip. Ugh.
The thought of even trying to figure this all out on paper is daunting.