Butter Me Up

So all last week I was going through some simple pleasures in life as an antidote to the usual ranty nature of these entries, so I thought this week I'd start conjoining the two, rather than rediscovering a truly cantankerous state. Each day this week I'm finding something to complain about...

How can that be a pleasure or fun? Well I'll be writing letters of complaint to go with those, er, complaints. And sending them. And seeing what I get in return. The purpose (as I'm sure once you see the first letter below) isn't actually to make a serious DailyWailesque 'Something must be done' statement, but to find out which of the organisations written to have human beings manning the postbox. Basically I'm hoping for replies in kind.

At the very very very least I actually hope to bring a smile to the face of someone whose job it is day in day out is to read complaints from people who are genuinely perturbed that the blue used on the packaging does not match their living room or they tried the serving suggestion on a packet of crackers but didn't like it.

I think, at least I've got a vague memory of this, someone has created a book out of an idea like this, so I've been beaten on that score, but hell, it'll still be fun.

First up, Marks and Spencer...

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Dear Sirs

On Saturday 26th June I purchased, from your Kinnaird Retail Park store, a tub of 'Soft Butter'. The lid of said tub explains that it is a slightly salted butter which 'spreads from the fridge'. This morning I discovered that this claim is manifestly untrue.

Retrieving the butter directly from the fridge I was immediately struck by the fact that my knife struggled to scrape a layer from the top of the pat; a difficulty that was reiterated in reverse as I tried to remove the butter from the knife onto a slice of bread. In resorting to spreading as well as was possible I was faced with a slice of bread decorated with uneven thick blobs of butter which screamed 'cholesterol!' with such force at me that I could feel my arteries clogging merely looking at the lunchtime soup accompaniment I had just produced.

Naturally I am aware that the knife may not have been up to the job, and set about testing other knives, and indeed a couple of other utensils within the kitchen (a spoon brought moderate success, the fork less so, and I'm not sure why I resorted to a chopstick but research demanded thoroughness). The lack of straight-from-fridge-spreadiness was replicated no matter which option was taken.

My attention, therefore, turned to my fridge. Perhaps it is too cold, was my consideration. However the pack does not state an optimum temperature for spreadability, and I would also not wish to subject the other items in my fridge to a higher temperature than would be advised merely to keep a more viscous consistency to my butter.

I should be grateful if you could confirm the methods used to ascertain that your butter does indeed spread directly from the fridge, and if there is a perfect temperature at which to store the butter. Also, it may be that you have doyens of a technique for spreading such butter and if it was possible to know their secret (assuming it is not closely guarded and passed down through generations of butter guardians going back to the dark ages, like some sort of dairy product Templar Knights and therefore cannot be released to mere mortals).

Many thanks for your time, I look forward to hearing from you with regards to my butter crisis.

Yours sincerely

Anthony

p.s. the lack of easy spreading did nothing to detract from the taste which was very nice.

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I should also point out that I actually like butter, so really the fact that blobs were left on the bread... Well I was quite happy about that...