Thinking of You

Today I received this beautiful bunch of flowers from my workmates. I don't think anyone knows quite what to say to me, but they want me to know that I'm in their thoughts and I appreciate that.

Two days ago I went to Stobhill hospital's day surgery unit to bring an end to my pregnancy (ironically, this is the hospital where I was born. It doesn't have a maternity unit anymore). Right up until the last there were no external signs that anything was wrong and I was still feeling really sick. I woke up at 7am in the morning to have the one slice of toast and cup of tea I was allowed before 7.30am. After that, I was allowed one glass of water before 11.30am (this because I was going under general anaesthetic in the afternoon). Ed wasn't allowed to stay with me, he had to drop me off and come back later. There was lots of building work going on at the hospital so we couldn't get to the day surgery entrance in the car. That meant Ed had to drop me at the main entrance and I had to walk right round the hospital until I found where I was going.

I sat in the waiting room for around half an hour. It was very busy. I had the awful dilemma of seeing someone I knew in the waiting room. When I went through to the ward, she was in the bed next to me, but the curtain was pulled across so I didn't have to speak to her. She was there having a cyst removed. A nurse came in and asked me to take off all of my clothes and put on a surgical gown and my dressing gown. Once I had done that, the anaethestist came in and asked me all the same pre-op questions I was asked at the Royal on Monday. Then the surgeon came in to make sure that I understood what they were going to do to me. After that a nurse came in and gave me two small pessaries to soften my cervix. Then I had to wait until 4pm before they got me ready for surgery. I just sat by my bed reading my book, "The Power of Gold: The History of an Obsession" by Peter L Bernstein. I was told i could go through to the patient lounge, but I didn't want to do that as I didn't want to have to talk to anyone and end up having to explain why I was there (especially the person whom I knew).

So I sat in the chair beside my bed reading, and was fine all afternoon until the porter came to put me on the trolley. At that point, I started to think about what was about to happen and I got quite upset. The nurse and the porter were very good to me. They took me to anaesthesia, where two doctors prepared me for the surgergy (it didn't help that one of them was about eight months pregnant). I woke up again on the ward just before 5pm. I woke up really suddenly and felt okay. I was soon sitting up and having tea and toast. Ed came to get me at 6.15pm and we went home and watched Rocky Balboa and ordered a pizza.

Yesterday, Ed went to work and my Mum came and sat with me in the morning. In the afternoon I had a shower and sat outside for a couple of hours as it was nice and sunny. I had a little sleep and Catherine came up for a couple of hours. Turns out that the two girls who were in the corridor when we were leaving the Princess Royal last Thursday were Catherine's friend Gillian and her sister Jennifer. My pains were really bad on this day and I felt really uncomfortable despite taking painkillers regularly. Ed and I went for a short walk around the street before having some dinner. That helped a bit. I didn't sleep well last night though. I was woken up this morning by the doorbell, but didn't get up. When I went downstairs, it turned out the doorbell was the person delivering these flowers. The bouquet was so big that I had to put it in the wine cooler - we didn't have a vase big enough. The postman brought a card from work, one from the Glasgow office (along with a book on organic gardening) and one from Ed's parents too.

When I told people that I was pregnant, they were delighted for me and Ed. This baby brought a lot of joy, even if it was only for a short period of time. It will change Ed and I forever. I love this baby, and will always miss it. There will always be a small hole when I think of the person who might have been. Hopefully we will have a baby soon and what I do know is that it will be loved and cherished by lots of people.

And that happened sooner than we expected, and three years on we now have Orla. And because of blip, Orla will always know how much we love her. This is for her, it's part of her story. I think it will help her to understand some things when she is older.