NEWS FLASH

Traffic was brought to a standstill (though how cars can be made to 'stand' still is a mystery of the English language), when a rarely spotted Rainbow Kite (flightus by stringus) was snared in some powerlines in a Melbourne suburb this afternoon.

This extremely rare 'Bird' is generally only seen in City and Suburban Parklands tethered to small excited children by means of thin twine and thus are rarely seen in free flight. A respected Ornithologist expressed her 'grave concerns' at yet another Rainbow Kite having flown its bind, as this placed this already threatened by excessive government regulation species under even more stress from killjoys.

Numerous sightings had earlier occurred from across the Melbourne metropolis from as far as Deer Park (in the western suburbs) through to the wild yonders of Pakenham (in the east). Unconfirmed reports of sightings had been made at Tullamarine near the International Airport causing international and domestic flight services to be suspended whilst one of the two F-16s in the Australian Air Force were 'scrambled' to investigate. Unfortunately, it was confirmed later that these two aircraft (considered the entire complement of the air force) could not leave the ground as their fuel bills for the previous months had not been paid and their street maps were 'woefully' out of date. Also, ace pilot Wing Commander Bingles was 'seriously engaged' in paperwork, notably the cryptic crossword again, and was completely neglecting his duties, again. His Flight Lieutenant could not fly either as he had failed enemy aircraft identification 101 - in that he did not recognise those deadly aircraft that occasionally stray into Australian airspace from New Zealand called Sopwith Camels. I hope Kiwi readers will accept my profound apology for assuming you had any Sopwith Camels, as I know you have those ones made from Lego blocks.

It is believed this, on the loose Kite, has caused suburban trains to stop running, though no excuse is needed these days to stop trains, just say the word 'efficiency' and whole system collapses, usually in a fit of laughter. School children were allowed to finish classes early and in groups of six with an accompanying responsible adult, to go on Kite spotting walks in order to help 'narrow' down its location. Most of the school children ended up, along with their token adult, in the nearest Fish n' Chip Shop getting their dose of 'really healthy food' and completely forgot about anything to do with Kites. Parents, it was believed, were 'alarmed' that the school let the children leave before they could be picked up by them in their spotlessly clean Four-wheel Drives. The novelty of actually walking was nonetheless, exciting for the kiddies. Talk back radio stations were jammed by near delirious citizens wondering should they lock their doors least the Kite fly into their valium soaked living rooms. Station announcers 'assured' these callers they were confusing the dangers offered by the Kite with the very real dangers of a Politician door knocking seeking their vote. Under NO circumstances, they advised, should you open your door to any Politician especially around Election time, as is now the case.

Our on the spot Reporter, 'The Plodster' whipped out his second best camera (he left the G10 at home, again) and took this thrilling action photo of an erstwhile boffin Ornithologist attempting to retrieve a clearly distressed Rainbow Kite before the next rise in electricity bills - he would have to be quick! It was believed sparks flew in the attempt to rescue the Kite, until somebody realised it might be safer to turn the power off when quite a few Ornithologists were found singed, uttering Latin, smoking heavily, and dribbling from the mouth in a mush of limbs, textbooks, iPods and Bird identification volumes.

It is timely, at this juncture, to present some not well known and completely unreliable 'facts' about the Rainbow Kite:

Classification: Birdy.
Family: Yes.
Species: Rainbow like as in colour spectrum OK.
Genus: Too confusing in Latin so best to make up your own.
Name: flightus by stringus.
Common Name: Have you not read the first paragraph - then go and do so! 10 points if you guess correctly. I give you a clue: Sir Isaac Newton and a light prism.
Location: All over the world where there are children, this is especially relevant in Parliaments and the United Nations Assembly.
Life span: As long as a piece of string (or is that twine or cotton or nylon).
Reproduction: Immaculate Conception method whilst in plastic bags found in toyshops.
Diet: No, they live on fresh air.
Wingspan: varies depending on brand species name.
Fast known flying speed: 227 km/h (that's fast in mp/h too) recorded soaring on a hot air thermal generated by a Dr. Phil talk show.
Special characteristics: Completely useless on the ground where they tend to crumple.
Ideal pets, as they can be 'put away' for months in the cupboard and never complain.
Kids love them and adults tend to mend them.

Kites feature significantly in history; as shown by this example from New Zealand, accordingly to Graeme Gibson in his enjoyable tome, 'The Bedside Book of Birds ? An Avian Miscellany', (page 167):

From
Te Manu Tukutuku (The Maori Kite)
by Bob Maysmor (a contemporary New Zealand writer)

The Maori were able to use the flight of the Kite as a means of divination. Should a Kite swoop to earth and be destroyed, the event would be seen as a warning from the Gods. Prior to the ... battle of Orakau Pa in 1864, Rewi Maniapoto, war chief of the Ngati Maniapoto tribe and defender of its stronghold received an omen:

He had dreamed, ... that he was standing outside the church in Orakau and flying a Kite ... At first it soared strongly upwards to the clouds, then it broke loose and came to the ground in pieces. The shattering of the Kite he interpreted as a portent of the utter defeat of the Maoris.

The siege and [subsequent] capture of the Pa by British troops marked the end of the Waikato Wars and the loss, by [Imperial] Government confiscation, of massive tracts of Maori land.

Proof, if ever needed that a Kite must always be retrieved and returned to its rightful owner for loving devotions until ready to fly again. Otherwise, mayhem and destruction will result! Akin to the scale of ruin if the United Kingdom wins more Gold medals in the 2012 London Olympics than the colonials here in Australia.

But back to our gripping and flummoxing NEWS FLASH.

After numerous and thrilling attempts, the Rainbow Kite; a little worse for wear having navigated over a number of hours numerous altocumulus, nimbus and cirrus clouds plus an occasional stray cumulus fractus, was delicately re-captured by a boffin Birdperson weeping copious tears at his preservation mission. The trains then recommenced running, though still late, and Wing Commander Bingles worked out the final clue needed to complete his cryptic crossword (extinct bird, four letters starting with 'D'). Bingles (or 'crash through or crash' to his few mates) was recommended for a bravery award for NOT flying. Electric power was restored in time to watch the latest instalment in 'Days of Lives' where it was hinted that Damon would marry Tegan but found out later that Tegan was an alien from Pluto who arrived here on the 10:25 am flight into Rockwell AFB on April 1st 1364. The flight was a few centuries early but Tegan found things to amuse herself, apparently, and waited for the 48th episode of the 94th repeat of series 8,397 that aired today and snuck past the script editors.

The Rainbow Kite was retrieved, a little tattered but will soon be tethered again, making a young child squeal with delight and the world will be set to rights again.