gynaecology for beginners

So today sees me back at work after a rather nice holiday in Ireland. I'm still home alone, the wife and kids not coming back until the third week in August. As I mentioned before, it gives me some 'quality' time alone, the sort of thing a man with four kids in a busy household doesn't get too often.

The last few days alone have not been as good as I had hoped. To be honest, I was rather bored. Not even the late night porno on Dutch TV was interesting enough to keep me entertained. Some people get addicted to porno, the more they see of it, the more engrossed they get. For me it's the opposite effect: the more I see, the less interesting it becomes. After an hour or so, you've pretty much seen everything there is to see, and nothing surprises, or shocks or even titillates.

I remember last year round about the same time, we got a whole slew of new channels via our cable provider, several of which where porn channels. And being of an inquisitive nature, I took a look.

I must admit it was a bit more hardcore than I was imagining. With lots of unsettling close ups of things that I'd have to look up in a medical encyclopedia it was all quite baffling, not so much porno as a sort of unintentional gynaecology/proctology channel.

The story lines, such as they are, are generally pretty rubbish. I recall one scene set in a gym, wherein a young heavily tattooed man who happens to works there suddenly finds himself in a situation with four youngish ladies that require the sort of exercise that the sparsely furnished gym couldn't provide with the equipment on offer.

Luckily, Jay (for that is his name) has his own equipment tucked away and the ladies all set to work helping him put it up. Cue lots of faked groaning, slapping of arses and assorted unimaginative sex. The ladies in this film are right munters, all small breasted, saggy arsed and the wrong side of forty. It soon transpires that Jay is (judging from the few lines of dialogue I managed to catch) from Lancashire. He bravely battles his way through the scene before shooting his load over the dumbbells. And I refer to the weights by the way, not the girls, though the difference between the two is closer than you might think.

Meanwhile over on another channel, there was more of the same. But being an American production, this time the film was set on a beach somewhere exotic, and not in a gym in Cleveleys. The story was the same though: young attractive woman gets lost on way to beach resort, helpful tour guide shows her where the hotel is, whereupon she sets about him, and finally sits upon him as a small token of her gratitude for his helping her with her luggage. All quite natural. I'm sure this happens all the time down at the local Travel Lodge.

Lastly, another channel followed the adventures of two young ladies whose car seemed to have inexplicably - and somewhat luckily as it turns out - broken down in front of a garage. They are both inappropriately dressed for a car journey across the country (at least put on socks if you're going out dressed like that), but no matter - they get assistance from the cleanest looking garage mechanic I've ever seen and before you know it, he's giving the girls a good service. His speciality seems to be checking the oil level, because he put his dipstick to good use.

And so it goes on. I'm not really sure what the idea of porno channels are. Are you meant to wank of to them? Take notes? Admire the stunning scenery? Someone tell me, because jings, I've come (with an "o") to the conclusion that hard core porn is actually very dull. Like an episode of Mister Bean, once you've seen one, you've seen them all. So if you're looking for something to put you off a pornography addiction you could do a lot worse than to spend an hour or so watching a porn channel.

But I digress. I tend to do that. I should stop watching Ross Noble and Eddie Izzard videos.

Today's blip then has nothing to do with porno. It's a picture of my desk at work, taken because I'm just back after my holiday if you recall the beginning of this post. It was relaxing, but after a few hours back behind the controls, I'm all tense and stressed out again. I wonder if that porno channel is still active ..