Lacking Focus

"A man's dying is more the survivors' affair than his own."
~Thomas Mann

Sundays usually begin with a phone call to my parents during which we catch each other up on our weeks. This morning was thus slightly disorienting, as I awoke with no one to call. In the early afternoon, my mom called me so I could talk to my dying relative. Talk perhaps is a bit generous, as she asked me twice during our four minute conversation "How are you doing?" and honestly had no idea she had asked me already.

A slow death is so difficult for the survivors. She is fine, happy to be out of the hospital, and doing the best that can be expected. The family that is there is watching her repeat herself and struggle to recall simple things, like her age. Her body is shutting down. My father's finding it harder and harder to deal with it. I am waiting for the phone call to leave, either because my family needs me or because she has died.

Watched the Blade movies tonight for a lack of something else I could manage to focus on. I almost forgot about my blip. It's an angel that hangs by my door. It's supposed to be a Christmas tree ornament and was a present from my parents. As I didn't leave my place yesterday, I had limited options. Plus, it seemed to fit with all my thoughts of death yet provide a glimmer of hope - something I sorely need. Still, it lacks as much focus as I do - not good but not fixable at this point.