The Russians are coming

Completely unreliable reports have been coming in from Williamstown indicating that the Russian 'Red October' Fleet has been spotted moving cunningly up Port Phillip Bay. It has been imaginatively rumoured that this Fleet is preparing for an invasion of the western suburbs of Melbourne after first 'taking out' the massive 9 inch 12 ton Mark III pair of Armstrong Naval Guns located on the foreshore. These Guns, built by the Royal Arsenal in the United Kingdom in 1865 at a cost of 739 pounds 18 shillings each, are the prime coastal defensive 'deterrent' of southern Australia, and a source of great discomfort to Defence planners. Just look at the impressive statistics, bound to dissuade any invading force that might dare subscribe through Williamstown. Though the western suburbs are ripe for invasion (in fact make an offer it will probably be accepted) as it cannot possibly be any worse living there as it is now, as I well know:

Barrell length: 125 inches (just over 3 metres).
Shell size: 250-256 pounds (113 to 116 kilograms), the weight of some doughnuts I have seen lately.
Calibre: 9 inches (230 mm).
Muzzle velocity: 1,420 feet per second (430 metres per second) which is about the speed my neighbour speaks when excited.
Range: 10,500 yards (9,600 metres or 9.6 kilometres).
Construction: Steel tube surrounded by multiple wrought iron coils (much like my teeth fillings, so it seems).
Accuracy: Not much but with plenty of hope.
Crew: Commander, Gunner, Gunner's Assistant (2), Armourer, Internet web page designer.

It was only yesterday that excited messages in Morse code were received at Fort Gellibrand (near Williamstown) from Warrnambool (which is on the south-west coast of Victoria) where this magnificent Fleet was spotted sailing off the coast. Astonished Tour Guides of the old Fort were 'amazed' to hear the Morse code machines unexpectedly come to life - somebody must have been paying the electricity bills all these years. Fortunately, one of the tourists, a 105 year old Scottish man swung into action by spinning around on his walking stick and jotted down the clattering messages using nib and ink. He did the 'right thing' by passing the scribbling onto the perplexed local constabulary, who had no idea what row after row of dots and dashes meant. If only they looked on the other side of the page and could read the Old Timer's Gaelic script they would have understood the message. Silly plods!

When a 'Warrnambool local' was asked how she knew it was the Russians she replied, "Well, I saw them big red sails, spunnakers I think they are, and I knew no whales had sails so it must be those Russians who I thought were supposed to invade in the 1880s." When it was pointed out that the 1880s are 130 years ago the 'local' without raising an eyebrow replied, "Well, they must have got lost on the way or waylaid at some Sir Richard Branson publicity stunt."

Another erstwhile yokel claims he spotted the Fleet whilst doing 'manoeuvres' in his Ultra Light aircraft not far from Port Phillip Bay Heads. "They were Russian alright" he said, "I was blowing so hard to keep my craft flying I nearly missed them. But I spotted crates of Vodka on the Poop Deck of the Flagship, and sailors were seen pissing over the side giving me a rather strange message with their pointed fingers." He went onto state that he saw a rather oddly dressed up figure with a bright red Cap and scarf looking through what appeared a long tube and pointing excitedly with his finger to another bloke who was behind very large wooden wheel. Before you say it - NO it was not Doctor Zhivago, as he was busy still trying to court Julie Christie whilst at the same time doing his best Omar Sharif impersonation.

In Canberra, the Chief of the Navy, Very Rear Admiral Horatio Nelson not 3rd, was woken from his midday nap and informed on this sudden appearance of the Russian Fleet. Very Rear Admiral Nelson not 3rd, dismissed this as some remnants from last December's Sydney to Hobart Yacht Race and that we need not worry ourselves about it all and promptly fell back into his coma. Reports that some Australian Naval Frigates were rowing toward Williamstown was dismissed at 'utterly incomprehensible' as the Australian Navy was too busy being an arm of the Indonesian Navy to be 'fussed' about rumours of drunk Russians on the High Seas or Poop Decks or whatever, trying to make their way into Port Phillip Bay. Besides, hiccupped the Very Rear Admiral, "Who would want to go to Port Phillip Bay anyway? They would have to be mad dogs or Englishmen and Russians, my Intelligence Officer informs me, are not Englishmen, so there!"

Nonetheless, local Williamstown Civil Defence Authorities (WCDA) operating out of their Bunker at the Bowls Club, activated their invasion plan response (after finding a copy in the local library under the floorboards next to the photocopier). This plan called for a swift call up of all Naval Reserves and the provisioning of the Victorian Naval Fleet along with requisitioning copious supplies of Whiskey for 'medicinal purposes' during the time of Crisis. However, upon checking of the names listed, most could not be contacted as they now, annoyingly, resided in the Williamstown Cemetery. One official was heard to wail, "So much for those afterlife types! Useless!" As to the Victorian Naval Fleet, its last warship, HMVS Cerberus is now a dive wreck off Brighton (an eastern bayside suburb of Melbourne). "But it's still a mighty Ship" proclaimed an Old Salt smoking spinach, "but might need some repairs." Not to be undone, the WCDA 'requested politely' if Shopkeepers near the foreshore Guns could ask the nice people at the Royal Williamstown Yacht Club if they could 'borrow' their Yachts and turn said Yachts into 'flaming suicide boats' and burn the Russians to the waterline. Fearing insurance ramifications and a disruption to their upcoming weekend regatta, all of the Yacht owners declined and went back to quaffing on their chardonnay, harrumphing that no Russian could possibly navigate a boat anyway. "After all" remarked a splendidly attired Commodore in fake braid and glistening epaulettes, "Have they ever won the America's Cup? Well, no and why - because they can't navigate!" Alarmed at the high levels of non-cooperation, the WCDA asked a local Fisherman if he could row out to the Russian Fleet when they appeared offshore and parlay with them by offering some free tickets to ride on Melbourne's wonderful suburban train network. By doing so, the Russians could sate their blood lust by watching the locals 'slug it out' on the trains (as is the case often) and at the same time get plenty of booze from the left over bottles that often tend to end up in residents front lawns. Then they could leave Williamstown, go home and claim they won as the western suburbs by this time would have 'surrendered' unable to endure any more late running train services.

At last reports, the Russian Fleet had decided to give Williamstown and Melbourne's western suburbs a miss and instead sail onto threaten New Zealand with 'utter incomprehension'. Just as well those Russians do not play Rugby, as the All Blacks would have given them a thrashing, just as they do to Australians for amusement. With a 'bit of engineering nous' a very large Russian Ship could possibly tow New Zealand into the northern hemisphere and it will become a playground for Russian capitalists. Though, of course, the tow rope would have to very strong.

And, there is no truth in the vicious rumour that in fact it was not the Russians but Tasmanians sailing to Williamstown. You reckon Russians, as was claimed, can't navigate, well Tasmanians cannot either. After all, they ended up at the bottom of Australia instead of the top, silly sods.


A pair of preserved Armstrong RML 9 inch Mark III Guns (no's 1679 &1683) is located at The Strand, Williamstown facing Greenwich Bay (part of Port Phillip Bay). These Guns were formerly part of the arsenal at nearby Fort Gellibrand and were placed in the 1880s when the then Colony of Victoria perceived a threat from the then Russian Empire through its Imperial Fleet to invade Melbourne and establish a Russian outpost.

The photograph is of Gun no. 1679, not far from Ferguson Street Pier and facing towards the Melbourne CBD located approximately 10 kilometres across the Bay and just about within firing range. Occasionally, the Guns are 'fired' on special occasions such as the annual Williamstown Festival, which occurs in March.