Tahoe

Went up to Tahoe today after the inquisition.I liked this picture because of the color. I took it through a window and likes the slight reflection you see in the bottom corner. Was chilly but absolutely beautiful. Ha mom and I played minature golf. Holy cow I am a bad golfer (We were on the hard course in my defense). I solidly lost, the par for all 18 holes was 47, my score was 68. Yeah, I am not the next tiger woods.

My head hurts. Pain, not just in my heart, but everywhere. I cried so many tears today. The inquisition is over, they are not sending me. Not now at least. In some ways that should tie it up in a pretty little bow and say I am done, but life is never that easy. I've heard it says that life is black and white, yet somehow I find myself in a deep sense of grey. I watched today as all that I was was called into question, when really they have no concept nor have they taken the time to know who I am. Tears so many tears, reminds me of past places I have been. Particularly when I cut. "Pain without love, Pain can't get enough.(Three days Grace. Pain)."

Those days are so far removed, but now its a different kind of pain and not necessarily a welcome one. I walked through the hollow walls of myself today and asked God where he was. Oh I know he was there, He promised to never leave me, but my heart felt so betrayed. Nightfall came and I found myself desiring to hide within its grasp. What now? Where to next? Do I just give up? Take their rebuke about my maturity as God's answer? Who I am? Someone who loves Jesus, no not Christianity, I love Jesus and I seek to love all by that standard of love, to live for Im because I want to. Thats what makes me go, makes me come to life. That's not good enough.

"As you listen to the sound of your tears falling down, do you wish you make them see? That isn't the way you want it to be... If only we could live in our dreams. Put on your mask pretend you're ok. Tell everyone it's jsut another day..." Lystra's silence