i don't know anymore

i spent the day at the hospital. not for me but to be there for my best friend. it's been a very, very long day. (i've been up for 12 hours and it's just 4:30pm here now.) the procedure went well but there is still the prognosis to deal with. a windy path to healing.

but that's not why i came here to post.

i created this site to share things i can't share on my other site- where my audience knows me, often in real life, and i am forced to censor myself to save people's feelings. (i do that here to but to a lesser degree.) here is where i can say those complicated things and not care if it makes any sense.

all day as i waited and waited some more, i was supported by someone i love dearly but who i have a very complicated relationship with. he said the right things and made me laugh when i was preoccupied. he calmed my fears and gave me pep talks. he reminded me why i fell for him in the first place just by being himself. . . and that is both wonderful and awful.

because he is married.

but not to me.

"Love pull your sore ribs in/I will pull your tangles out/In the back of your car I feel like/I have traveled nowhere/What will bring me home?/What will make me stay, stay?/What will bring me home?/What will make me stay, stay?/Well I don't know..." -Not Tonight, Tegan & Sara