Coke bottles

Old liquor is the best. my grandparents used to 'entertain' and have a fully stocked liquor bar downstairs in the creepy basement. The only problem is they stopped drinking ohh 10- 15 years ago, at least hard liquor. Sooo all the bottles down there are anywhere from 10-40 years old. Sitting on the shelf aging. I made myself a whiskey and coke and oh goodness, its pretty amazing. The whiskey is smooth and potent. :) Its very nice.

I have been dealing with things I never anticipated dealing with again. Dealing with realizing that I am not the favored granddaughter and yet I am because of the familial issues. My heart kind of aches a bit inthat area. I long to see my family the 'way it was' but I know in truth it will never be that way again and thats just apart of life I guess. I get tired of that phrase, you know the one that says 'thats life', thats like saying tough luck. It saddens me. It is life, but that doesn't make me want to try to change it. I want it to be differant. I want it to change and yet it doesn't.

The rain is pouding outside, that soft pitter patter I love so well.Its hard to be the one that is 'seen and not heard' and navigate that as an adult. its hard to wander around the house and see only pictures of my sister and none of me. Pop pop, well it took him sixteen years to tell me he loved me and he told my siter everyday, it wa sonly the last year that we got close, and now, I walk down these halls and I miss him. He understood family and told me it was becuase I was to much like him. dad and I had a long conversation today, about family. It starte dout talking about sex love and intimacy. What a conversation, I never thought I would be comfortable talking to my own dad about those three words, but hey it was a good thing. Then it lead into a convo about family. Its taken me twenty five years but I gain more and more understanding about my family. I am learning to see them through my adult eyes. I'm begging to understand.

I love being single and yet at the same time I find that I am wrestling with it. Not neccesarily wanting to get into a relationship, but the fear of getting into one. The intimacy, the dealing with someone, all wonderful things. Its along story. I found a song by Shakira that hit me today. Yo;re going to laugh at me.

Broke my heart
Down the road
Spend the weekend
Sewing the pieces back on

Crayons and dolls pass me by (?)
Walking gets too boring
When you learn how to fly

Not the homecoming kind
Take the top off
And who knows what you might find

Won't confess all my sins
You can bet I'll try it
But I can't always win

[Chorus]
'Cause I'm a gypsy
But are you coming with me?
I might steal your clothes
And wear them if they fit me
I never made agreements
Just like a gypsy
And I won't back down
'Cause life's already hurt me
And I won't cry
I'm too young to die
If you're gonna quit me
'Cause I'm a gypsy

('Cause I'm a gypsy)

[Verse 2]
I can't hide
what I've done
Scars remind me
Of just how far that I've come
To whom it may concern
Only run with scissors
When you want to get hurt

I said hey you
You're no fool
If you say 'NO'
Ain't it just the way life goes?
People fear what they don't know
Come along for the ride (Oh yeah)
Come along for the ride (ooohhh)

Adventure has been my style and I find this song fits me well. I find it defines me well tonight as the rain patters on and I fight. I fight myself, and i fight my past. It will mold me into a better person. Life isn't worth anything unless you fight for it.