'if i told you this was kiling me would you stop?'

the juliana theory

when I hear about someone I really care about going down a path that I have before, be it a guy, a school issue, drinking, WHATEVER, it sets it off. a physical wave of panic and terror, sometimes literally paralyzing to the point where my body shuts down and I experiece a black out sensation. [there's a whole psycho-analytical reason behind it that's been explained to me, backed up with some facts and statistics, but as anyone who's had numbers thrown in their face to try and minimize what they're going through can explain, statistics don't mean shit to the individual.]


the thing is....
I know I'm not perfect.
I know I've screwed up more than my fair share of things.
I know that just because someone starts wherever I have been before doesn't mean they're going to make the same dumb mistakes all along the way.
I know that I'm STILL making (and hurting from) some of the same dumb mistakes.

and I'd like to say it all just stems from care and concern [which is obviously a part of it, as any friend would do], but this....it's not just that.

I can't put my finger on it.
but I don't like it.
it's terrible.



i'm gonna fuck it up again
i'm gonna do another detour...
--fiona apple