Rooftops

On wednesday, Alison came down. We went out on top of a parking garage downtown and took pictures. Her, with her excellent photography skills, I, with my cell phone.

One of the main themes of my time with her is wasting it trying to get her back. Like, trying to convince her why I'm the right one for her. Why her time with me has to be some of the happiest of her life, and that this is something that she needs to come to terms with in order to be happy. I've made her things, filmed things for her, wrote things for her, prepared things for her, driving 140 miles to try and surprise her - all in the name of being romantic and spontaneous.

And, I've come to realize that this is mostly wasted time and effort. If she is going to make the decision to come back to me, it is going to be by some epiphany rather than through my efforts. which is incredibly frustrating from my point of view.

Also from my point of view, she is suffering from a general disconnect between her life and having fun and being passionate about anything. As in, she can't find what makes her happy anymore. Her life in Corpus wasn't making her happy, I wasn't making her happy, her teaching career wasn't going to make her happy, so she decided to leave to go home and take a wage job at a coffee shop. I can understand her perspective, change your surroundings and situation from what doesn't appear to be working in order to find what will work.

It is my opinion, however, that she makes decisions that make her happy, and she has for the last four years (since we have been going out) chosen the path that has led her to this place, and her life with me, wherever that may be, is what is going to make her happy, not abandoning me and our relationship. In other words, I want so badly to reconnect her to what used to make her happy, because I know it's there.

This is, for sure, the most complicated and heartbreaking experience of my life. One one hand, she reassures me that she loves me, that she wants to be with me, that she can see herself being with me for the rest of her life. She reassures me by telling me that she doesn't want to talk to anyone else, by committing to plans with me over the summer (like going back to the Czech Republic) When I think about the things she says recently, I feel incredibly elated and relieved, like the massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

The massive weight includes nightmarish scenarios that play out in my head everyday. I'm so afraid of being unhappy, I always thought that I would be able to be happy in life no matter the circumstances, but I've come to find that this isn't true. Over the last two months, I have only truly been happy with her. I don't think this is a self-fulfilling prophecy that I've created, where I decide in advance that I can only be happy with her, and thus I am always unhappy when she's gone. I have had fun without her, it is possible. I have survived for two months. But - it pales in comparison to the time I spend with her. When I'm with her, I feel like the other part of my soul has returned. I feel a wholeness and completeness wash over me like a warm current that I don't feel when I'm apart from her.

So. I don't know what to do. I've waited for two months for her. But she is still working and living 140 miles away. She says she wants to quit, which means she could spend more time with me. But she will not say that we are together, and that she considers herself single. Furthermore, she has become fascinated with plans for applying for a teaching position in the UK. Plans that do not consider or include me, and even if they did, I am committed to a teaching job here until May, which is too far away for her to wait out.

I've been told that I shouldn't be such a pushover. That i should stand my ground with her and let whatever is going to happen... happen. I mean, in theory I would love to be able to do this. But the reality of my situation is that I honestly don't care what I do or where I am as long as it's with her. If it's Texas or California or the UK - I really truly could care less. Which is frustrating when I feel that it's precisely my location that is driving her away from me. Why must her situation in life be so perfect in order to be happy with me, while it's the total opposite for me?

I just want this to be over. I don't want to pressure her, I just want her to be more open with me and talk about her feelings more.