The Lone Peg

What a very cold day it has been today, I have had to go and thaw out the frozen water twice for both the chooks and the guinea pigs. I am trying to teach them to smack the ice hard with either their beak or their foot, but we dont have much success yet!!

My depth of sadness with regards to losing my lovely dad has begun to really choke me over the past few days. I try and hide my feelings with stupid humour! I really think that the time has come to ask for some help from someone, Cruse, maybe.

Dad died 18 April 2009, he had prostate cancer (he was diagnosed in 1994) which had spread to most of his bones, but he also had alzheimer's disease. He never, ever complained, except for saying that his memory was letting him down, oh boy, yes it sure did.

I blame myself for him dying, he fell out of bed and never really recovered. We brought him to stay with us, he loved being on the farm. We tried to care for him day and night, but the nights were so difficult. He would be calling out, time and time again, he seemed to be frightened until I went and sat with him.

Our GP advised that he could help settle dad, but that it would make him less rousable. We agreed this would be better for dad and slowly, very slowly, he lost his fight for life. He wasnt able to swallow anything, he wasnt given any form of fluid through drips.

So think logically, he died from starvation and dehydration. That is the part I cannot get to grips with. I have not seen that doctor since dad died, maybe I should have, but I cant.

I think this form of helping someone die may be called The Liverpool Pathway, covered by the NHS. We had to make decisions quickly, which seemed right at the time. Did it to help dad, so that he didnt suffer. But he must have suffered, surely, dried out minute by minute. His mouth open, his tongue, dry, crusty, swollen.

Seeing myself writing this I know that yes Linda, you do need some help with this, because it just wont go away. My sisters tell me all is ok. But inside me it isnt feeling ok.

Bless you for letting me gabble....................

Linda