Business banking

[More grumpiness - sorry Mum!]

Today minus four weeks - set up business account
Today minus one week - receive letter telling me how to set up telephone and internet banking

Me: Dial bank, Press 1, press 2, enter account#, enter sort#, -listen to lift music-
Him: Hello, blah blah, can you confirm your name and address?
Me: It is [name] and [address]
Him: Can you hold?
Me: -Listen to lift music-
Him: You don't have any transactions on your account.
Me: No, because I don't have internet or telephone banking and I don't have a bank card.
Him: You need to make transactions before we can give you any of those things.
Me: How can I make transactions without those things?
Him: Go into the branch and put some money in.
Me: But that wouldn't be a business transaction, this is my business account.
Him: You have to pay something in.
Me: Ok thanks, bye.

- send out invoices to clients, who pay them
- repeat again, three days later, still no transactions
- repeat again today

Me: Dial bank, Press 1, press 2, enter account#, enter sort#, -listen to lift music-
Him: Hello, blah blah, can you confirm your name and address?
Me: It is [name] and [address]
Him: Can you tell me the source of a credit to your account?
Me: Yes, it is [client]
Him: Can you tell me the amount for that credit to your account?
Me: Yes, it is [amount]
Him: Can you hold?
Me: -Listen to lift music-
Him: That is not the correct information
Me: Is the source correct?
Him: I cannot tell you
Me: Is the amount correct?
Him: I cannot tell you
Me: Can I try a different transaction?
Him: No, you are only allowed to tell me about one transaction for security reasons.
Me: So what can I do?
Him: Phone back and try again.
Me: But I don't know why that is the wrong amount, how can I find out?
Him: Look at your statement.
Me: I didn't receive a statement
Him: Go to a bank machine
Me: But I don't have a bank card. Or internet or telephone banking.
Him: [stumped] Try going into the branch?
Me: Ok thanks, bye.

- Repeat x4 changing [amount] and [client]
- Exhaust possible combinations of transactions that invoices would allow, without success
- 20 minute walk to local branch of bank

Me: Hello can I have a statement on my account?
Her: You should have received one in the post
Me: I didn't
Her: Can I have your card?
Me: I don't have a card. [Provide passport]
Her: How long do you want the statement for?
Me: The last month?
Her: Your account hasn't been open that long.
Me: OK however long it has been open.
Her: Your first transaction was yesterday. As you didn't have any transactions we didn't send you a statement. OK here is your statement.

- Discover [client] has made up an amount and paid me that rather than the amount I invoiced them for

Me: Can I have a bank card for my account please?
Her: No, you only have one transaction.
Me: Yes, but it is for [substantial amount]
Her: Does your salary go into the account?
Me: No. It is a business account. I send out invoices monthly.
Her: You need to make some more transactions, then come back in.
Me: But I won't have any more invoices for another four weeks. And it is very inconvenient for me to make transactions without a bank card.
Her: OK, who set up your account?
Me: [points] That lady there.
Her: She isn't a business account adviser, she's the branch manager.
Me: Even so, she set up my account.
Her: Are you sure? We do have business account advisers.
Me: Yes, I wondered why you set me up an appointment with her too when I found that out.
Her: [Goes and checks with lady - and, perhaps to get rid of me] She says you can have a card.

- Go to Greggs and buy cake
- 20 minute walk home
- Repeat earlier telephone call, quoting unexpected transaction from [client].
- Following successful phone call, am now able to START process of internet banking registration.
- Successfully set up telephone and internet banking three hours after starting process today

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Waste of bloody time.