Reflections ...

On the eve of my baby daughters birthday, I reflect .. not on pregnancy, labour, or even the last year ..

I reflect on children who are no longer with us - not becuase I've lost my own, but because, little over 2 years ago, I was introduced to one of the cruelties in life.

My blip was going to be a cheerful one this evening but I had a new friend request on a social networking website, I've seen the name around in this 'club' which I've become a supporter of, I looked at her pictures, looked at her beautiful daughter smiling back at me, piercing my heart with her wide, bright eyes. Then I went to look at my own sleeping daughter - they'd be the same age, well, 4 months difference - what's that when you're a child? They would have gotten on so well, both girly, pink and princessy .. then I look at her room, what a mess it is .. and I smile ..

You see, I'm a daydreamer, and since being introduced to this world, I've daydreamed it myself .. I've imagined coming home without my daughter, I've imagined having to tidy up her toys which she'd never ever play with again, imagined getting back on with day to day life and finding her clothes in the washing basket, I imagine clinging to the clothing trying to bottle her scent .. I've imagined .. so much, so many things. I've cried .. but .. it's easy for me to imagine all these things because, she's not gone. She's here, she wraps her arms around me and gives me the cutest little kisses, she draws me pictures, delights me with new words she's learned and makes me laugh when she spins in her 'spinny' skirts in the living room.

Why do I imagine it? Because it makes me realise even harder how lucky I am. When I was younger, I didn't have the greatest start in life and I used to spend a LOT of time day dreaming, it was my escape and probably my saving grace. I used to dream that I belonged to another family, that I was just sent here becuase I'd done something naughty and that soon, my real Mummy would come get me and sweep me up in her arms and give me the hugs which I craved. Before I had children, I day dreamed about them, I'd day dream about being pregnant, about giving birth to them and feeding them and cuddling and playing with them, everytime I daydreamed, I felt love and warmth so I feel my daydreams are more than just dreams, they saved me when I was younger, they made me realise that life didn't have to be the way I'd been shown, I didn't have to continue the destructive cycle which my family led.

So, now my daydreams vary, and sometimes, I day dream that none of these children had to die, I day dream about taking my daughter to go and meet my friends son, I imagine them playing together as though they've been friends forever.

Daydreams help me to cope with life, they allow me to feel happiness where it was quashed in real life, they allow me to feel sadness without me actually really dealing with the sadness. They inspire me to continue fighting on to help these children, they help me to be a better mother to my own children.

Those are my thoughts for the evening .. Tomorrow .. I'm mostly going to be re-living events of last year - now there's a story :) x

Night night x and night night to my beautiful princesses, I am an incredibly lucky Mummy and I know it x And goodnight to the stars up above x