Chemically Free

Interesting afternoon at work. The university's been tactically flooded today by Nescafe reps giving away free samples of the brand's "3-in-1" powdered coffee drink, in sachets like the one above. Now, as a matter of course, I tend to reject Nestle and all of their works. However, I do find it difficult to say no to the assorted imps of a corporate Satan when they're handing out freebies, so along with Samba and his mate Martin, I ended up with my very own taster.

My hopes for the quality of this powdered delight weren't exactly high to begin with, and it's fair to say that they plummeted after I added water to the mix, and it turned green. Imagine a mug full of pondwater at its most stagnant, with clumps of unidentifiable debris bobbing about just under the surface, and you'll have some idea of what I was presented with. A quick glance at Samba and Martin's faces confirmed my suspicions that mine wasn't the only one that had gone algae-tastic. None of us were really sure whether to drink it or stick it under a microscope and look for signs of life.

I managed about three sips before pouring it down the sink, but decided to save the sachet, not least so that I could study the ingredients that went into this nectar of the damned. I was pleasantly unsurprised:

SUGAR, 52% (getting us off to a diabetically good start); WHITENER, 38% (and I dread to think what shade of green the drink would have been without this crucial addition); E340ii, E451i, E452i, E331iii (I'm sure half of these were characters in Star Wars); VEGETABLE FAT (two words that should not go together in any sentence); ANTI-CAKING AGENT (what...the...fuck?); SALT (a pinch of which always comes in handy when you're dealing with your average evil corporation). Then, last and very much least, the smallest ingredient in the mix: INSTANT COFFEE, 10%.

So, there you have it. I don't know about you, but I'm particularly fascinated by the anti-caking agent; for instance, if you were to remove said agent and leave your mug of 3-in-1 overnight, could you expect to return tomorrow and find your beverage hardened into a kind of souffle? In fact, why not market that idea? Stick a plastic spoon in every packet, accompanied by a little pot filled with the tears of African children, which you can drizzle onto your instant dessert before eating, and hey presto, Nestle will have another winner on their hands.

Right, okay, I'm taking a deep breath...and I'll stop ranting now. Sorry about that. I blame the sugar. And the whitener. And the E-numbers. And Nestle.