Birthday Girl

I can't quite believe that our daughter is 10 today. It doesn't seem quite right. I don't feel adult enough to have a 10 year old daughter, and yet I do.

Lou has turned our life inside out since arriving in 2003. Its fair to say she'd had a tough old time of it before settling with us, and she has settled, mostly.

Its days like today when I am most reminded of her troubled past. To see the glow of life in her eyes and the natural smile on her face is a joy to behold, a day when she looks her happiest - and yet I feel sad.

Sad to think of the trauma she was put through with her birth family. The multiple placements she had in foster care, the adoption that almost went through till they changed their mind, and all before she was 5. Yes she has her moments and its easy to forget the pain she has had to endure, the rejection she has felt, and the confussion and strangeness of moving to yet another new family - and wondering how long this one will last. And therein lies our problem.

No matter how often we tell her, she can't quite let herself believe that she is with us forever. Yes she knows it. She was there the day we went to see the 'wise judge' to grant the adoption, but a little part of her I think is still fearful that if she truely puts her trust in us we might too let her down. We wouldn't. We couldn't. She is loved so very very much and I just wish she could let herself believe it.

Happy birthday darling Lou. I love you - now and always, Mummy x