March 7th....

March 7th always hits me a bit hard. 7 years ago today my daugher, Mariana, died. I havent talked much about her here - it is very private and Im not even sure how to write today's entry. I cant not write about her today - because today is all about her and yet it is also hard to know what to say.

She was almost 7 when she died. She had serious health problems from the time she was born and we knew we wouldnt have her for long. We were lucky we were given so much time with her. However, knowing we would lose her didnt make it any easier when it happened. In many ways it feels like a life time ago - my life was very different when she was here - I was married, and I was home full time taking care of her. But in some ways it feels like only yesteday that she was here and the fact that she's not is still a physical blow some days. Like today. I always give myself this day to be a little sad and to remember.

Mar was an angel of sorts :) she never spoke, or walked, severe brain damage and epilepsy made her development painstakingly slow. But she, more than anyone else, made me who I am today. She showed me what having a strong will to live really means, she taught me that having a body that works is nothing to take for granted, she showed me that I am tremendously lucky to have two heathy children, she showed me that it is the little things that really matter. And that how long we live is not nearly as important as how much we are loved and what we give to others in the time that we have. She showed me how to be stronger than I thought I had in me - how to see the good in what was often very sad, and that above all else to live fully - live now. Mar was one of my life's greatest gifts and challenges. I know I am lucky to have had her in my life and that she is always with me. I miss her.

I thought the river would be a good photo for today - I like the symbolism of a river and its constant flow.

I hope this wasnt too much to write here- but this is also a big part of who I am - Im ok - this isnt a horrible day. It is what it is. It feels right to have this day to remember and be a bit sad. And I know that tomorrow I will be fine. I think it is important that we give ourselves space for days like this.

I hope you have all had a good Monday :)