Loving, living and leaving

Here is Millie taking in some medicine. Its funny how cats seem to know that they need to sort their digestion out by chewing on some grass.

Can you see the lump that is growing in her ear, it does worry me. We asked the vet about six weeks ago and she didnt seem to bothered by it at all. But over the past four weeks (maybe less), the darn thing is getting bigger and bigger.

I do worry, actually I worry about everything. People not telling me the truth, not being totally honest with me. I am not stupid, I do know when things are going on...........oh well I suppose that is just the way I am made up............ which leads us on to my dad, because I know that I am him and that he was actually a lot of me.

It is nearly two years since dad passed away here at Redwood with us. Every day, and I am not being over the top saying that. At least once every day I think of him. I talk to him, I go and sit down at his tree and we watch the view that he loved so much.

He had a "friendship" with a certain lady and I found her letters to him. I didnt know what to do with them. I thought about sending them back to her, but I didnt want her family to find them or know about them.

Do you know what I did, I found an old saucepan that I use in the garden shed and greenhouse. I sat with him and explained to him what I was doing, I set them all alight and then I spread the ashes out all around his tree.

Slowly, very slowly, I am able to look at family items and not want to scream about him being taken from us. He hated losing control, he would keep tapping his head complaining when the Alzheimer's really began to take hold. I dont really think that anyone apart from us ever really saw how it was making him. Other people werent around him for that length of time.

I remember trying to get him into the shower one day. I had been through a particularly bad day at work and then had to sweet talk him into changing his clothes and take a shower. He was absolutely adamant that he showered every day (the poor man could hardly walk, let alone lift his legs and stand on one leg to get into the shower) and that he laundered his clothes himself. He may have thought that he had done these things, but oh boy, the smell was terrible. He didnt have complete control over his bladder and bowels due to the cancer. I have to admit I was ashamed that people would think that I didnt care for him.

He had carer's going in but he just wouldnt let them do anything for him, strangely enough, Dora (mum-in-law) is exactly the same, she would rather that they just talk with her.

Anyway, I digress, I did get him into the shower, but only after I shouted and swore at him...............I must have sounded like a fishwife, because I was suddenly aware that I was shouting and how coarse it sounded too. Dad never, ever, ever used bad language. It wasnt in his vocabulary.

Obviously I apologised again and again to him, I wrapped him in his lovely big fluffy towel and hugged him dry, I cried and said sorry..........bless him he couldnt remember why I was saying sorry......................

I miss my dad so much, the pain is as strong today (if not stronger) than it was two years ago. Yet, when he was lying here for his last few days, I kept saying to him, "you go dad, when you are ready, everything is sorted at this end and your wonderful mum will be waiting for you, along with all the people who were lucky enough to know you but left before you".

I wish I had loved him more..............thank you.

Linda