Help

I called these images "help"... Wall-E has been a godsend today.

It has not been a good day.

If you want the rundown feel free to keep reading but I suppose entries like this are really for my own benefit keeping a journal, rather than as a blipper networking (rather badly).





As soon as it looks like the blue days are even threatening to outnumber the good days I promise I will go and talk to somebody about it.

All I've wanted to do today is go back to bed, and / or cry. I feel utterly pathetic, ashamed of my inability to cope, feel like I'm hanging on to things by a thread.

Ben is still battling some virus, we're countering the temperature with calpol and boob and sleep; but it makes him (and me) proper grouchy and also when he wants to go to sleep THAT'S IT and as he nurses to sleep when I'm around it means I have to drop everything, including a phonecall from the guy I do various bits of design work for who was asking when they might be done as they were getting urgent.

Because I needed food just as Ben wanted to go to sleep I had to eat one-handed while he helped himself to boob and then fell asleep. And because I took so long wolfing down my lunch, he'd fallen properly asleep so when I took him upstairs to put him to bed he woke right up. It was not fair. In the end actually talking to him and telling him that mummy needed to do some work and so therefore Ben needed to go to sleep actually seemed to work.

Although he did wake up less than an hour later. I cried. But he wanted to go back to bed - the calpol was taking a while to kick in and his temperature was rising and I can understand his discomfort. He went back to sleep ok, eventually letting me escape, and I finished two pieces of work and sent them off to be checked. Then he woke up again, and wanted cuddles in Ben's room again, but this time he woke up and was very sweet encouraging me to get up. But I didn't want to because I was feeling sick again.

Slumping over a bucket feeling awful with Ben crying beside me because he wants mummy is not a happy situation. Start retching however and he changes - suddenly he stops crying, puts an arm round me, encourages me to lean forward to make sure it goes in the bucket... and it sets me off crying again because he's being so caring.

He's set me off a few times today with sudden tenderness in his voice and actions.

And he's made me want to cry in frustration a lot too. Just when I need him to back off, or to carry on doing whatever he's doing, because I need to sit quietly, he's there pestering me, wanting mummy and only mummy. Twiddling and tweaking nipples with sharp little fingernails. Nursing mums will understand that one. Add tenderness from early pregnancy into it and it's AWFUL. Not wanting nappies to be changed. Bringing all his drums as close as possible to me and asking "What's make that noise, mummy?" with EACH AND EVERY CHANGE OF DRUM.

Some things I could cope with normally. Some things I'd have enough energy to do something about. Today I had nothing to give and I feel so bad that Ben's had to put up with me.


Tomorrow I have to kick myself out of bed. I have a photoshoot in the afternoon which I have had to postpone so many times already for various reasons, and I'm determined not to let them down again. Ben had better be well again because he's being looked after by a friend. And I had better stock up on rich tea biscuits.

Which reminds me, I Don't Like Ginger Beer. (Tried it this evening, it actually nearly made me puke.)



Self-pitying whinge over. I look forward to normal service being resumed. Sooner rather than later, I hope.


Edit. I almost forgot about the bath. Ben went to bed, quite happily. Hurrah, I have earned myself a bath and an early night.

No chance.

Not even halfway through the bath I hear crying.

That was unfair.