Our House In Newtoft

I've often wondered if people realised what my 'area' was like (easy fodder there fans of smutty humour). Well here it is. In the extreme right with the redundant satellite dish is my gaff. All mine. Well, almost. I guess it's actually the banks but I'm allowed there by virtue of working my ass red raw and then sending all the accumalated beer tokens to them.

You then have 'Dannys Van'. Danny owns the garage next to my house and drives the nice red van. You then have quite a tough looking foriegn sports car that belongs to a buxom 50 something from over the road who I don't really speak to. Finally you have Dales van. It's not quite as posh as Dannys is it? Dale drives like a nutcase. Is that evident? Apparently he is fixing this - I won't be asking him to fix my garden fence anytime soon, as his idea of fixing something appears to be 'drive it at high speeds into something bigger and heavier'. However contrary to appearances Dale has never lived in a caravan.

The front window on your left (or the right looking out) is my bedroom. It's where the magic could happen.

This morning as I walked round the estate (yeah I know, 5am comes and the best thing I can think of doing is walking. I need help) I noticed something else very typical of my area - three rabbits with someone who resembled a scarecrow feeding them. In the road. I asked if they were wild and he gruffly replied 'No mate, thems me rabbits. They used t'live int caaage but now they jus wander abaht like. They dont get bovvered coz if they did I'd bovver ooo eva bovvered them'.

I thanked him for his lessons in elocution and continued wandering round my little pikey paradise. I feel quite safe wandering round after my Royal Wedding flip out, as now I have a reputation for being the estate mental case.

So who's up for a visit? Please remember the safety of your belongings can not be assured.

If you fancy living here this exquisite 4 bedroom property with extensive gardens front and back is yours for just £105,000 It has off street parking (if you don't mind pulling up the kerb and onto the grass) and is close to all non existing local facilities. It comes complete with reputation for housing a slightly unstable ginger and has a new (ish) kitchen.

In the words of Carter USM (and words I have used before)

I want to give peace, love and kisses out
to this whole stinking world
The gypsies, the travellers and the thieves
The good, the bad, the average and unique
The grebos the crusties and the goths
And the only living boy in New Toft

(I cleverly changed 'New Cross' to 'New Toft'. Genius. That Taupin fella has got fuck all on me. Funnily enough he went to school about four miles from me. For those who don't know him, he is the lyrical genius behind Elton John)