Baltar Conehead

[Updated 7/4/11]

"Do you realize, that right this second, right now, somewhere around the world some guy is getting ready to kill himself? Isn't that great? Statistics show that every year a million people commit suicide. That's 2800 a day. That's one every thirty seconds."

"I don't think a writer could ever commit suicide. Do you? A writer would be too busy working on the note all goddamn year. Trying to get it just right. First draft, second draft, third revision, whole new ending. Finally, he'd turn it into a book proposal and have a reason to live."

"Americans love to eat. They are fatally attracted to the slow death of fast food. Hot dogs, corn dogs, triple bacon cheeseburgers, deep-fried, butter-dipped in pork fat and Cheese-Whiz, mayonnaise, soaked barbecue, mozzarella patty melts. Americans will eat anything. Anything. Anything. Shit, if you were selling sautéed raccoons' assholes on a stick, Americans would buy them and eat them! Especially if you were to dip them in butter and put a little salsa on them! This country is big-time pig time. Forget the Star-Spangled Banner. You know what the national anthem of this country outta be? The Oscar-Meyer Commercial Jingle! And while we're at it, change the bald eagle to a big bowl of macaroni and cheese. A big bowl. 'Cause everything in this country is king size, extra large and super jumbo. Especially the fucking people! Have you seen some of the people in this country? Have you taken a good look at some of these big, fat motherfuckers walking around? Big fat motherfuckers! Oh, my God. Huge piles of redundant protoplasm, lumbering through the malls like a fleet of interstate buses. The people in this country are immense. Massive bellies, monstrous thighs, and big fat fucking asses! Next time you're in the vicinity of one of these creatures, stand there for a minute and observe. And if you stand there for a minute you'll begin to wonder, "How does this woman take a shit?" How does she shit? And more frightening still, how does she wipe her ass? Can she even locate her asshole? She must require assistance. Are paramedics trained in this field?"

If you're in a morbid mood, I highly recommend that you watch George Carlin's Life is Worth Losing.

Rest in Peace, George Carlin. You were the man.