Beholder #2

Yasmin - Finish Line (Freemasons Pegasus Club Mix)

I stopped believing in people a while ago. The feeling of displacement perhaps occurred in my second year of Uni when the veil of fantasy removed itself. Higher education wasn't what I thought it would be from high school and what was revealed was "the truth" or some form of ugly reality. Nobody was truly smart, nobody was truly committed, nobody was truly thinking for others. I reflected on myself and realised that I'm also nothing to aspire to. I mean, I may be just whinging and subconsciously seeking attention but what I once thought no longer is. If I thought I was an idiot in the past, I'm most likely an idiot now, and therefore I will be an idiot in the future. It's an undeniable truth.

Going to the casino for the first time was a big let down too. Obviously the unrealistic portrayals of casinos in movies helped lead to my feelings, but as I entered, the landscape of addicts and self-destructive people permeated my mind and gambling just seemed like a poison. I understand however, that gambling is a lot of fun. No doubt. I will not stop anybody from gambling simply because it's a form of pleasure, however, when it starts to become an addiction, it turns ugly. Moderation is always important.

As time goes by, your best friends turn into strangers or enemies, your enemies turn into nobodies and new people you meet only seem like flashes in the dark. The loves you once had and would die for are now just status updates on your Facebook wall and no longer have credence. The worst part is knowing that if you don't care for them, by equal measure, nobody will care for you.

Seriously, if you really really really think about it, you can never rely on anybody. You cannot rely, 100% on a teacher, family, friends or even enemies. You cannot allow your life to be controlled, you have to be self-sufficient because people can only control themselves. Expecting someone to be able to do something for you, by and large is a fantasy and hope.

There will be times when you will have a love and trust that lasts for a long time, perhaps many years or decades, but that is only transient and will pass through natural causes. We are all different people and can never have the exact same life developing parallel with each other. A film critic will never truly have the same perspective as you. The best will have very insightful things to say, but YOUR view will only count.

I guess that you have to live in the moment. Make sure that you think positively and make the short time that you have with people, including strangers, worthwhile, civil and beneficial, whether it be in monetary, social or societal terms. I'm extremely guarded when it comes to emotional investment, for whatever reason, most likely being hurt in the past, because you simply cannot trust anyone and you cannot expect it from people.

I haven't actually gone through anything difficult compared to others, nor is there anything troubling me at the moment, I just feel like expressing myself. Not to worry, this entry will not matter in the near future and will just disappear into the vestiges of an aimless abyss.