KEEP TAKING THE TABLETS

I'm two thirds of the way through radiotherapy treatment. I haven't had any side effects, I don't feel ill, I'm not tired, I'm not feeling any different from how I normally do. Is this treatment really doing me any good?

The only thing that I've noticed is that I'm losing weight. I keep meaning to ask the radiographers if this is normal. It's not mentioned in any of the blurb that they've given me to read. My friends/family/colleagues say that I'm probably stressed and that is why the weight is falling off me. I'm not so sure. Weight loss is a sign of cancer so maybe they haven't actually caught me as early as they thought? Maybe there is still cancer lurking in my body?

And I don't feel stressed. So why is everyone telling me that subconsciously that I am?

On Monday I was asked if I wanted a 'review' with the head radiographer. Why would I? What's he/she going to be able to tell me that the girlies administering my treatment can't ? and anyway I don't do counselling? They said I would have to have a review before my treatment finished. I guess I've got that to look forward to next week.

So I'm taking the tablets ? no side effects from them either.

I've got/had breast cancer. I've now got a scar under my arm where they cut me open and a few indents in my left breast. Have I really been ill?

This is so, so weird. When they first diagnosed me, I asked what would have happened if I hadn't gone for a mammogram and they said ? probably nothing for a year or two, then I would have felt a lump. I'm not convinced. Now I have the label 'Breast Cancer Patient'. I've been cut open, apparently the cancer has been removed, I'm on tablets for the next 5 years and I'm having radiotherapy.

I suppose I should ask what the likelihood of it coming back is, but I?m too scared. I don't think I want to know.

I?ve put all my trust in the doctors and just believed everything they have told me and gone along with all the treatment they've told me I needed. Is this the right thing to do? I could go on the internet and would probably find out a load of stuff that I actually don't want to know.

So how am I feeling? I'm feeling a fraud. I'm feeling fine and I'm feeling like everyone is being extra nice to me and they shouldn't be.

Perhaps it would have been better not to have known all this and just let nature take its course. After all I bet that's what would have happened years ago. Is it really right to stuff someone full of drugs and radiotherapy ? does anyone really know what the long term effects of all this are? As I said above ? one just has to trust in the medical profession. Or believe in themselves enough to diversify and go down their own route.

Scarey, scarey, scarey!