Snapped

Well, there is good to come from such an awful date and that is learning to let go of expectations and control.

Friday: After obsessing about my hair, nails, outfit, and being on time for the date with Kenny for a whole week the day finally arrived. I drove two and a half hours down to COS first of all, and he wasn't even ready to go at the time he told me to be at his house. Thank God I was late because of traffic or else I would have had to wait for my date to take a shower...wtf. I get to his house, we get in his car, and we start driving. Kenny is exhausted, I am ecstatic-typical. He doesn't try to make conversation, so I awkwardly default on nerdy science topics like quarks and theorhetical astro physics. After driving for a little bit I am informed that his meth-addicted sister, aunt, and aunt's date are going to join us on our oh so romantic date. It gets worse... We have to drive all the way down to Fountain because his sister told him to? We show up at the most ghetto home, with Eminem blaring from the living room. I awkwardly meet some of his family, and end up sitting on the couch waiting on them to get ready for "our" date. Kenny still doesn't even try to make conversation. Finally, its time to leave for our 8 pm dinner reservation at Blue Star-I am starving, uncomfortable, wanting to cry, disappointed, pissed off, and totally not in control of the situation. Funny enough ,we wasted 2 hours of our time together driving and waiting for no reason because his sister and aunt drove themselves to the restaurant... At the restaurant and I am utterly embaressed/shocked/"where the fuck is a gun when you need one?". Talk about sticking out like a sore thumb. I would have rather been with the loud drunk engagement party singing and dancing like whores in this 4 star restaurant than with Kenny and his family. Kenny doesn't make conversation with me, instead he tells stories with his sister on how they used to keep dead frozen cats in boxes in their cupboard, eviction, vommiting, drinking, urinating...all very classy topics to discuss on a date. Even Kenny's aunt's date, the guy with a handle bar mustache, a sleeve, and a t-shirt with a skull on it had 249834 times more class and respect. Finally the dinner is over. Kenny and I drive to Kylie's...we make out in my car a little before Kylie and Justin finally show up. Pure carnal lust, in emotional reality is that I should have just punched Kenny in the balls if he tried to touch me after what he put me through...but no...I am showing no self respect as it is and I let this asshole make out with me. We drink, Kenny compliments Kylie for looking hot, he listens to her talk most of the night, he kisses me and holds my hand a little bit...we finally drive back to his house, have sex for an hour, and he falls asleep. I sit there in the dark while he's snoring, and cry. I have never felt more deflated, defeated, disappointed in myself, and dead in my entire life. The main though going through my head was this "Two months ago I was basically engaged to someone who would never even fathom letting my heart be overlooked in the slightest, loved me endlessly, spent every moment he could with me, loved me....yet here I am two months later laying on the floor of Kenny's mom's scrapbooking room, naked and used up like a worthless towel. What the fuck happened to me?"

Saturday:
It gets worse. Wake up the next morning, and in the process of moving from the scrapbooking room to Kenny's makeshift room we awkwardly run into his mom. Kenny "introduces" us, and I am most literally looking like the whore her son brought home to fuck late at night. Such pride to be had in myself... So kenny and I re fall asleep on the tiny bed. I wake up around noon, wide awake ready to have some conversation and time spent with this guy who claims to be my boyfriend. But nooo this terrible extended date gets worse when Kenny tells me he feels extremely nauseuous. Trying to just, yet again, let this roll off my shoulders, I turn to my side and try to just fall back asleep and hope that when I wake up he will feel well enough to hangout with me. Just as I was about to close my eyes, I notice a particular something right next to his bed in plain sight- a napkin with "Erika" and a phone number written on it. Really? Really? You know your girlfriend is going to be spending the night and you don't even bother to throw away the numbers you get from girls for the sake of me feeling awkward or at least catching you? FAIL. I ask him, "How's Erika?". He doesn't even acknowledge my underplayed frustration as being the least bit reasonable. I am dumbfounded at how dumb he is. So after many attempts at trying to see if there was anything I could do to make him feel better, I leave. Thank God I did. I would be scared to see how more terrible things could have gotten..... yikes. That happened Saturday afternoon, and It is now Monday Morning and I haven't gotten so much as a meager text from him. I pick quality men.

Later that day I had a mini break down with Josh, told him all the ways I have fucked up. Didn't make me feel better on bit, I just cried a lot and increased my anxiety.

Tried smoking a cigarette with Kylie, the kid who got stabbed in the neck, and he boyfriend who was trippin'. Needless to say, I didn't like it.

On my way up to Fort Collins I seriously contemplated the idea of taking X next time I was to hangout with Kylie. Call my friend Jon and tell him this and all the ways I have fucked up in the past two weeks. Jon calls me out for my idiocracy, talks me out of taking X, and encourages me to invest my extra emotions and need to fill my gap with doing something creatively productive. I think I might join the paper, not drink, take x, and have sex with men that don't even know my last name.

Something in me has snapped. I do not recognzie myself. My friends, clothes, face, body, rationale, morality, spirituality, room, family situation, sleeping pattern, emotional stability, desires, goals, social etiquette are ALL unrecognizable compared to that of 2 months ago.

After I got back up to FoCo I worked at Pita Pit from 12 am to 3 am. Score.

I am so proud of myself!