Body's a temple

Stewarty and I go to the gym after work and I have a classic case of mistaken identity. What happens is this, we get in there and Im dying on a pee. So we get into the locker rooms and I spot someone who I think is a friend that we sometimes see at the gym, mr brazil top, you know who you are.

Anyways, this guy is having a pee at the stand up urinals, so for a laugh I decide that I am going to give him a swift short push, I am literally a stride away and he turns around, except he isnt the person that I thought it was, it was a complete stranger. I swerve at the last minute and do that whole, hand through the hair gesture.

However, this isnt the first time that this mistaken identity has occured, it has happened to me on several occasions, the most memorable was shouting across bonnyrigg high street "Lynn ya Tart" to someone who clearly wasnt my friend Lynn. Then there was the time that I came out the cinema when it was still at the Fort Retail park and grabbed a large handfull of wifes prosterior, only to find that I had a very large handfull of the wrong wifes bottom. My line was spontaneous in my best connery voice while still holding on to the bum. "shorry, I sheem to have the wrong backshide". More recently, I came out the gym and shouted "Oi Stifflers Mom" to someone that I thought was my friend who we call funnily enough Stifflers Mom.

Clearly, this isnt my fault, its not like I have bad eyesight or anything, its just that these people must have been seperated at birth.

However, this case of mistaken identity doesnt stop there this evening, as I see the lesser spotted Bobfoc. Let me describe this too you, looking from the rear, well toned calfs, perfectly shaped thighs, prosterior that could crack a walnut, the list goes on, long blonde hair, tied back. You cant help but notice her, every man, woman, instructor and passer by is looking at this running on the treadmill.There is almost people falling off the step machines. Then she turns around, oh my god, sign of horror, you can literally hear the whole gym's sharp intake of breath and go back to their routine. Bobfoc, Body of Baywatch, Face of Crimewatch.

Mark and I are by this time finished our workout and head back to the locker room, now im not normally in the habit of taking the photographs of half naked men, I usually go for fully naked men ( see the naked guy fishing entry) however he looks as if he is in his third trimester. He is proudly sporting one out of the only two pairs of pants that he owns.

I digress for a moment, however a previous reader asked how I could tell from looking that connie wasnt pregnant, well put it this way you can call me joseph and tell me theres no room at the inn, savvy......

Anways, he is standing there and im convinced its either twins or alien and Im also convinced I see something kick. I get out the Iphone camera and just as Im about to snap, he turns around and sooks himself in. Nice timing buddy.

On the way home, out of the blue, he goes, do you know what would be good, Zumba.... eh alright mate, you can go with connie then, cos I aint up for that.

I get home after much side splitting antics and the Tv bracket has arrived for the wall, I do my manly duty and put this up, however then the empire strikes back. Darth Connie, known hereafter as Vader, waits until John ( hereby known as Hans) and I (Chewy) have just hung the 42 incher on the wall and goes....Huhhhh Mirror Clashess Huhhhhh

Princess Leigh arrives home and concurs with the Vader, I know, I know its not quite to the original plot of the film, but gimme a break here, Im running out of potential characters.

The mirror comes down and is replaced by a little piece of modern art that I dont really want on my fireplace wall that has suddenly materialised from a box hidden somewhere in the east lothian death star's loading bay. Nice timing Lord Vader.

The force has been unbalanced and Hans and I retreat to walk the dogs, we get half the country road and Hans is "oh know, rumbles, Ive gotta go, I cant make it home", luckily he has tissues in his pocket and has to duck behind a tree, its dark and there isnt many cars on this country road. I normally would laugh heartily at this and attempt to take photographs, promptly to put onto many social networking sites ( that was sites, unless your going with the connery lishp again) however, it has happened to me once before.

Hans always carrys a pocket full of tissues with him and one particular summers evening I have a stomach panic and he hands me a big wad of andrex. I throw him my jacket, wrestle with my jeans, drop my trolleys to my ankles, hovver, make an involuntary body noise and then suddenly relax. Then the sinking feeling comes in, that moments earlier the soft and strong were hurridly stuffed into my jacket pocket. I had to shout him and when he had stopped laughing, he returned the coat descretely and without taking any photographic evidence. I therefore cut him some slack in this particular circumstance.

I hope no wee laddies climb that tree today, because if they go down to the woods today they are in for a nasty surprise.

When I get home, Vader is still awake and I suddenly remember to ask whether or not she has confronted her Dad, she says she hasnt yet as he is going to a funeral tommorow, but she will get around to it. I ask whether he is going as himself or as Davina...