broken

in a casual conversation in the office, i hear something i can't quite believe. i text, discover it's true, spend the rest of the night feeling like the floor has gone from under me, that i can't breathe, can't function, work is done on autopilot.

i knew she was going even tho you laughed at me when i mentioned it; she's not hiding it so no idea why you are. but i know why you're hiding you going: you're too chicken to have the conversation with me. why don't you think i'll actually be pleased for you, be pleased you're getting out of something crap to something potentially good? because i am, actually. you and i have been a place for a long while now, but even tho you aren't my friend i want to be yours, and that means being happy when stuff happens that you want to happen. the one bright spark is that perhaps since it's a week til she goes and must be longer before you go that i might get a chance to patch things up and be proper friends again, and give you a good front page send-off.

i feel like the relationship that propped me up for so long has not only soured but broken completely. i feel like i'm in freefall.