Nan

It's been a year since my Nan passed away. It is strange because I can recall the day for all it's banalities so well. Its as if my mind has committed the whole lot to memory as it was a momentous day in the end.

She had dementia so in some ways it's like two deaths. You grieve for the loss before they physically die. I expected not to be that upset when she finally died as she was 92. She had an amazing life and was loved and adored by the huge family that were left.

My husband was in Ireland so I just carried on. The night she died I got no sleep. I sat up and wrote the poem that featured on her order of service. I hardly ever write poems. Husband came home a few days later to a stoical and calm wife. We went for something to eat and whilst sitting eating he asked how my mom was. At this point I dissolved into racking sobs. I always wonder what the other diners thought was wrong with me. Had the husband just left me? I remember being ushered into the car and ugly crying all the way home.

The whole event led to a number of decisions and knocked me off the path my life was taking at the time. I am on a much better path now.

I made the order of service and I picked the photo from loads I could have picked. When I got to the service this picture was in a frame at the front of the room. Strange and serendipitous.

Damson Jam always reminds me of Nan because she used to make it and always had some at her house. I had toast with Damson Jam this morning.