Guilty M'Lud

That's it then. 40 years of carnage marriage down the tubes.

I blame Toots, she did her Mae West impression, "All you've got to do is whistle, you do know how to whistle don't you?" and I was hooked. We were making plans for our next assignation, a "walk" down the farm track when suddenly we were interrupted by the sound of a camera shutter and a roaring noise. Mrs Booty says I can have half of everything, including the dog, front or back end it's my choice.

I think she's being unreasonable, we should take time for concilliatory talks, and maybe a meeting with a lump hammer in my pocket. It's all this unionism that is causing her to be so stroppy. If I wasn't terrified of her I'd tell her that Toots and I are just good friends, but now I have to admit, having being caught, in the act, so to speak that it's going to have be down to her people talking to my people. As nobody with any sense talks to me, this could drag on for some time. Meanwhile Toots has gone to a safe house and is apparently terrified that the paparazzi will locate her and demand mega bucks to leave her alone. Where's Max Clifford when you need him?


Freedom! I'm now looking for a Royal Marine's Dream, a rich widow. low mileage, all her own teeth, joints and hair, but not necessarily in that order. Full service history would be a bonus.

PS How do you cut a washing machine and tumble dryer in half?