28/29 inside out, outside in

Been thinking a lot about how I parent recently. I know every parent is different, every child is different, but this is how we do things and it's what works for us. I'm totally fascinated by research (although I don't often have time to read and ponder the research itself, I read various interpretations from people I respect and admire - not just one person, but lots) and spend a lot of time reading while I'm nursing Charley! Of course the things I read tend to be along the same lines as how I think anyway so it always backs me up ;-) and if it doesn't, I'm always challenged to at least look at what I'm doing, hopefully analytically, and decide whether what I'm reading makes sense or not and if it does to see how I could apply it.

The link to today's theme is Charley's exo-womb if you like, the sling. Inside, out. It's his safety and security, being wrapped up next to my heart. We've had a busy time to-ing and fro-ing today and when we got home from group#2 this afternoon he was desperate to be wrapped up for a long calming peaceful cuddly sleep. The mere sight of me putting the sling on was enough to calm him down.

He feeds when he wants, he sleeps when he wants. He has his own routine which we are still not entirely privvy to, although by early evening he's had enough of all the noise and lights and would much rather chill out with me in a quiet darkened room! I love not having to clock-watch with regards feeding / sleeping schedules. (I used to time Ben's feeds religiously!) It makes planning swimming lessons tricky, not being 100% sure when he's going to have fed or slept, but to me, letting him self-regulate even at this early age is invaluable. I want him to carry on knowing when he's hungry or thirsty or tired. I want him to know when he's had enough, to not over-eat. It's the base for baby-led weaning (starting solids rather than stopping breastfeeding, in this case!) which we're looking forward to doing again, building on that ability to self-regulate by learning to self-feed from the off. He sleeps all night, interspersed with a few booby cuddles, but he's not interested in being awake at night. I'm getting sleep too. I love having him in the bed with me. I love the warmth of his little body pressed up next to mine.

I also truly love the way Ben climbs in for cuddles in the middle of the night, understands it's nighttime, and sleeps happily and securely next to us. I don't mind nursing him at night (I do mind when he is untalkable to and screams if he has to wait for a cuddle!) because I know that it is still a very important emotional and physical thing for him. He doesn't have a dummy or comforter: that's me. Although like I'm sure I've mentioned before he's become funnily attached to Charley's Pooh Bear comfort blanket, but I think that's actually an attachment thing to Charley, rather than me. I think when he decides enough is enough I will be sad. Glad for him that he feels ready to move on, but sad that that stage of our relationship will have ended. I've read bits about long-term breastfeeding mums experiencing PND symptoms when a child weans, as a result of hormonal changes because of not actually breastfeeding any more.

Womens' bodies are amazing. Truly amazing. The way everything seems to be connected, physiologically, hormonally, emotionally. If that's not at the very least Intelligent Design, I don't know what is. It's Divine, that's what I believe.

For me, this journey into parenthood, mothering Ben and now Charley too, has changed me so much that I barely recognise the self I was before becoming a mum, and it's taught me so much about the parent that God is to me. I told Steve this last night and hoped he would understand. He did. That he was merely a stepping stone (merely! As if!) on this path to a deeper relationship with God, through becoming a mother. Being married to him has helped me learn more about the relationship between God and the Church, how entwined and in love and respectful and worshipful and growing that relationship is (or should be...) but being a parent is teaching me about the very personal and intimate relationship that is being a child of God. How he parents me is how I aspire to parent my children. I am human though: I stumble, lots, I mess up, lots, but I know there is grace in perfect measure for my failings (call them lessons learnt!).

Gosh that turned into far more than I was expecting.

By the way... don't look too closely at the picture. I still have a clingon baby in the evenings and ran out of time to do a better job!!