The Druggie Escort: Far From Sober

When I look at these eyes.  
When I try to look at these eyes.
I wince.
Then I get it.
I'm desperate.
I'm searching.
Searching for myself.
But I'm frustrated
Because myself
Is all I see
But still 
I can't see me.
Feel me.
Touch me.
As I change
The world changes.
With each subtlety 
of unfamiliarity
I seek out what is 
comfortable.
Familiar.
Nostalgic.
Who am I?
If I am not an addict?
A whore?
A man dying/living/dying with HIV?
An arrested escort,
dragged from a hotel in Dallas moments after selling his body
and moments before sticking a needle in his arm.
"Am I going to jail?" I asked the female cop.
"Yes. Yes sir, you are going to jail."
"A felony?"  
"Yes, sir."
"That means I will never be able to teach school again."
It was less of a question and more of a statement.  
I hadn't thought about my life as an educator in so long.  Everything had become.
Hotels.
Dealers.
Johns.
Meth.
Wash.
Rinse.
Repeat.

But...

And this is the scary part.
It all seemed so totally, absolutely, incredibly
in God's plan.
Like it was all destined to happen just this way.

Sometimes, when I am alone in my car, and I hear a particular song, I weep, because I know, that someone knows that this is how the story goes.  So... Walk Like an Egyptian and Let It Will Be.  I love you, Madonna. I made my first temple just for you.  My Madonna Shrine.  Even though if you knew me, I'd frustrate the hell out of you too.  Just ask my sister, she'll explain just how frustrating, won't you,  Steph.

A word to the young: In the words of Nancy Reagan: JUST SAY NO.  No, I'm kidding... SAY YES!  Say YES TO LIFE.  Don't do what I did.  I was so desperate to feel good all the time because I felt so much pain, I used something synthetic to hold me over.  But there is one thing that takes away the need to do drugs.  And that is LOVE.  ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE.  And I'm not talking about romantic love, because Lord knows I did more drugs with my lovers than I ever did by myself.  But I'm talking about the love of your puppy.  The love you feel when you see an older couple sitting on a bench bickering about Wheat Thins, or a first time father with his baby girl, looking in the mirror together, and seeing her see her reflection for the first time.  I mean, it doesn't get any better than that. It is truly the most unbelievable thing about being human,  witnessing those little moments where we are not connected to anything except the breathing, living, planet earth and all that encompasses it.   My darling planet earth.  I'm so sorry for what I have done.  You gave me this temple and I have fought to destroy it.  God, I hope there is a purpose to all this.  I'm so frightened for what is to come.  Because payback is a bitch and so is karma.  

God, do I regret using those two phrases over and over again.  

I'm such a pussy.  I mean, when I watch that new commercial which centers around "running like a girl"  I ball like a baby, because I know some 35 year old gay male director in Hollywood wrote it about his own experience as a kid in puberty.  

But really...

Focus.

I'm fighting for my life.

Some days I run.
Some days I peek through the curtains.
Some days I'm Running on Empty
Some days I'm hurdling over obstacles.
Today, as I write this, I feel scared.
I want to look over my shoulder 
to feel who is breathing down 
my neck
But you know what I think?
I think.
That breath...
Has been my new life
saying
are you done?
Are you ready, yet?

No.
Not yet.
I still have some things to do.

Note to self.
Find things to do.

I'm not ready to let go
But I am ready for God.