Letter 2 Disease

Hey You Crazy Motherfucker!

You know, you've given me some times that I will never forget---

At times...

I philosophized deeply
made huge plans to change the world
felt free and electric
wrote A+ papers
acted my ass of on a myriad 
of stages 
both literal and metaphysical
fell madly in love
felt a sense of calm
in the head
I possess 
that can feel
maddening 
at times...

BUT...

I CAN'T SEEM TO FUNCTION WITH YOU!

I can't hold a job longer than 9 months.
I push people away.
I lash out at those that I thought
were perfect for me
I trust those I should turn away from...
and run..
and hide from...
Those whom I should never allow to walk past 
the threshold of my life, 
my existence,
my chastity belt,
demonize my vessel.
I allow my ego to rule
my existence.
I become
a narcissist.
I don't listen
to reason.
I drive
recklessly.
I rack up debt
while spending 
money that is far from mine.
I hide out only in places
I feel comfortable in.
I avoid
healthy confrontation
and thrive
on emasculating men
whom I think I care for.
I become jealous
when I am not included
but flake
constantly 
when included.
I live in delusions
of grandeur 
without sweating 
the hard work
it takes to
earn a buck
I push my politics
on others
but have yet
to register to vote
I make great protests
for injustice
but never pick up the picket sign.
I work out
at the gym
but
then follow it up
with a happy meal.
I say
I am about love
at all costs
but when 
your back
is to me
I character 
assassinate
to avoid
acknowledging 
that you might know
something 
that could...

INSPIRE
TEACH
CHALLENGE
CHANGE

ME 

For the better.

You have 
had a hand 
in my 
loneliness

my phone ceasing
to ring 
and the semi regular 
text messages 
from old friends
slash
relatives
slash 
drug dealers

asking if I am 

ALLRIGHT?
OKAY?
ALIVE?

Because of you 
I have wanted to 
DIE
but,
because of you I have 
HOPE 
to live.

My relationship with you is 
confusing... 
fascinating...
and will always be.

Thank you!  

But Fuck You.