Indelible ink

At last. A day working from home. Still up against it but there's nothing like flicking your own kettle switch and staring out the window for a few minutes between tasks. It felt blissful. Lazy pic of the chandelier in my lounge.

Squidge was very reluctant to leave my side for nursery. She'll be even more upset when she realises I've upped her nursery days to three as of next week :( A necessary evil right now to prevent me having some kind of breakdown.

Which brings me nicely into my counselling session. I've been referred for counselling for my post natal depression. I had some CBT initially but the therapist and I both agreed it wasn't really working for me so I was referred to a counsellor instead to discuss the "second child thing" (which the CBT lady thinks might be related to my PND).

I'd had my initial session last week but it was mainly form filling. Today we got into things. My counsellor is lovely. It helps that I really like her. We discussed my hectic week, the support I have around me etc. Angus's job came up a lot. She was very empathetic and made me realise that it probably is a bit more an issue for family life than I like to admit.

We also worked out that a lot of my anxieties around having a second child are to do with pressure from society and the outside world. Expectations that I just will as it's the norm etc. She asked if I was assertive in my work life (I can be when needed) and said I perhaps need to be more assertive in my personal life when people say things that make me feel guilty for considering having an only one. It felt really empowering to hear that.

The truth is, I don't have any desire for another child. I honestly don't know how we would cope. Past experience tells me the majority of childcare would fall to me. We are only just coping as we are. I dread to think what it would do to my marriage , business, stress levels, how I am am with Squidge etc. A happy Mum is what she deserves after all.

I have more sessions to go but if anything this first one has already given me so much clarity. I know what's right for me. I have to remember that. Writing it down in a blip so I remember it. Blip indelible ink!!!

Plan is to not work too much this weekend. I am so jaded. I need a reset. Off to meet my niece finally tomorrow and can't wait. Now that's the stuff that really matters!!