Good Grief 27

Sage advice.
There is no advice for any of this.
Time is not healing, the good memories are not overlaying the shit ones and I am not sitting nostalgically in my rocking chair remembering happy times. That is the prosaic crap that comes from the world of Disney that wants to gloss over the reality and brutality of loss. It is like being done over each and every day with some new instrument of torture that is being constantly refined in the research and development department of hell. It is also the anodyne nonsense that comes from people that want to make it better. It isn't really very pretty ... all this unhappiness and misery ... let's just gloss over it and move swiftly on shall we ... or, horror of horrors, let's offer some advice like, 'there's plenty more fish in the sea ... one day when the time is right you will meet someone else, why don't you take up a nice hobby ...' etc. ... or 'I'm here ... when you are ready ..' .... aaargh, how patronising is that? I know it's trying to be helpful and I know people just don't know what to do and I know it sounds ungrateful ... but ... get over yourself .... there is no nicey, nicey thing here, it is brutal .. bugger the sympathy, be honest ... relate, connect ....
Over time people disappear because it really isn't very pleasant, it is tedious, and worst of all I haven't followed their excellent advice or haven't responded in the ways that will make them feel better and eventually I can start to feel like Frankenstein, banished to the empty frozen wastelands where no-one really has to confront the monster that I have come to represent. It is a relief in a way, things get paired down to what really matters and the relationships that are true.

I am sorry if I am repeating myself, I do it a lot. I did say at the beginning this wasn't going to be pretty. But it is real. Don't get me wrong, I don't spend my days like this, I do mostly try and get on. For those lovely souls that know me and love me, and me them, it is about being honest and real and I am eternally grateful.  But I am angry. Very angry and I will not deny it or squash it or skim over it. Anger is a very interesting and complex emotion and we can sometimes be too quick to dismiss it or deflect from it in various ways. I intend to try and understand it, to inhabit it, befriend it. It is the deep heart of loss and hurt and pain.

So, after the rubbish day yesterday, I took a deep breath and just got on with it today.
I knew I had a long day at work.
As usual I pushed through the barrier that doesn't want to get up or get on and quietly focused on the task in hand. It was ok.