Good Grief 28

Joan Didion writes "Nor can we know ahead of the fact (and here lies the heart of the difference between grief as we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaninglessness itself."

I read this and saw that it reflects and confirms all that I have written here thus far.

After my last blip I felt bad about expressing my thinly veiled anger and then realised that is so often the way of anger. It is such a shaming emotion we rarely give it the time and space and care and love that it yearns for. I think David Whyte says something along the lines of it being about the deepest wish to connect. I think this is true but it is a bit 'British Rail', it needs to be the right kind of connection and meaning. And it can feel severed and at times without hope of any change. I can see my scream travel in silence into an infinitely deep dark space.

On a much lighter note I had the best of evenings with my very dear friend and her family. Her daughter had made a lovely supper and at 20 she is asking all those wonderful and searching questions about meaningful work.

The depth of love and gratitude I feel for this dearest of friends who has stuck with me daily throughout is one of the profoundest imaginable. This photo of Honesty, the iridescent sunburst and the painfully fragile but exquisite web of connection is about, and for, her. I wish I could say more but do not know the words that can begin to express what I feel. I have little doubt that if it weren't for her I would not be here. I am still not sure why I am here and continue to struggle daily to find my path but I know that it lies in the essence of what that feeling means and holds.