Good Grief 47

Transparent, translucent and opaque
I have been pondering, on and off, ever since I began this journal, and for a long time before that, why I write. What's the point, what am I trying to achieve by it, why do I do it, who am I doing it for, what purpose does it serve? It throws up so many questions, there are so many layers to so many aspects of what arises from an ever deepening enquiry. As so often happens, when you begin to question and delve, it all gets deeper and more complex and more confusing ... and richer. My vague and, as yet, unformed thoughts and my uncertain internal perambulations have been further piqued by this blip and further still by this blip.

I don't have any answers and am continuing to think about it all, letting it emerge, or not, letting it evolve, or not. There is no plan. I have realised in the grief process that there is no plan, no formula, no method ... it is a complete leap, wallow and sinking into the unknown.

My choice of words above starts some of the journey into the enquiry of what I am doing as I write. Am I trying to make the opaque more transparent? Am I trying to be as transparent as possible with my thoughts and communication with others, with myself? And, significantly, am I drawing out and expressing parts of self? Before the internet my journal keeping was very private. Before I read about James Pennebaker I had tended to use it as a method to try to understand myself and the world from young age and as a lonely, introverted child.

Although I kept a written diary episodically at the time and after my husband died I arrived at a point where I was of the opinion that I was essentially swimming in my own shit and I wasn't sure how helpful it was and I thought about a more active, thought challenging, proactive CBT-type journal. But then I knew that I also wanted something that appealed to something creative and I discovered blip and loved the combination of words and pictures and a timeline.  And here I am. But I find myself ambivalent at times and I fret about the indulgence of it and the public / private side of it all. I have never before ventured far down the path of social media and it remains an uncertain world.
Anyway, this is overlong and just the start of a longer speculation.