for daddy...

...with much love, always

dearest daddy ~

it's me, your princess daughter - checking in again although i admit i wish i wasn't - wish i could gloss over this anniversary day... why is it they come around so quickly - when i am not ready to face them? i cannot believe that 8 long years have tick-tocked through my life since your passing out of this world - i was thinking about it the other day; when all of us got that dreaded phone call to inform us of what had happened to you - how just with a snap of our fingers - you were gone... how we had no choice in the matter - unable to barter or bargain over it - of course not - death really doesn't work in such a fashion... i'd give anything if it did - if i had been given one brief opportunity to say one more 'i love you' to you or to hug you - you know - those standard things... it's funny how it doesn't change even after all these years

well daddy - last year i thought i was doing so much better - coping with my grief of missing you in a more healthy way... and i was - but then, several things happened - suddenly it got difficult again - i realized grief is sort of like a roller coaster, at least for me... i'm up, then down - screaming around corners - throwing up my hands to ward off bad juju - some people have a tendency to say it will get better with time, the pain will ease or even go away or i will get over it... really? are they crazy?! i believe these individuals have not yet experienced the tragedy of death in their own lives - do not know what it is to have waves of grief come washing over them - otherwise they would not say such heartless things to me... it is only in the unknown that we blindly open our mouths and allow words to spew forth - that if we were to look back upon them, we might be appalled - i don't fault these individuals - merely chalk it up to ignorance - in those moments i'd like to have the wherewithal to gently say to them how misguided their comments are - although perhaps it's better i only walk away keeping silent

and daddy - know you are continuing to cheer me on - because you raised me to be a woman of strong fortitude - not to give up regardless of how difficult it might be - 'cuz there is always an upside - something which happens to remind me of the laughter we shared - the bond we had - the memories we made... we were together a long time - it doesn't matter you are no longer here physically - what you taught me - what we forged as father/daughter stands strong to this day... it's going nowhere and it's this fact i need to grasp - hold onto - this is how you remain with me day in, day out - how you walk every step of the day with me - how i can continue to conquer the grip of grief every day - those same traits i admire in you, are traits you instilled in me, daddy - i need to remember all these things - then the roller coaster of life will not be so overwhelming - and together we can make it...

a

happy day.....

i love you, daddy... always