Things I Have Learned Today

1. Coffee and cream go together. Coffee and cream carpets do not.
2. If coffee and cream carpets have got together, the application of over-the-counter stain removers will lock in the stain.
3. If you would like your insurance company to buy you a new carpet instead of cleaning the old one, attempt to remove the stain using over-the-counter stain removers.
4. If you cut the stems of ivy which has completely covered and killed an old tree with a view to killing the ivy, the tree will fall down in the next gale.
5. When attempting to cut up a fallen tree which is blocking a lane which rarely sees any traffic, two white vans, two cars and a Calor Gas delivery lorry will want to drive up the lane.
6. When positioning your car to fill the boot with dead tree and ivy to take to the tip, said Calor Gas delivery lorry will park immediately behind your car.
7. If you attempt to drive off to the tip without fastening your seat belt, the car makes a horrible noise.
8. £14.99 Wellington boots from the garden centre do not breathe.
9. £14.99 Wellington boots from the garden centre feel like you are gardening in slippers. Wet slippers, but slippers nonetheless.