Musings

Despite my lovely new camera, there hasn't been much to photograph. We've had two quite sunny days, so I did manage to snap this on my way out this morning. 

A funny day today. I had a hospital appointment this afternoon, and I was a bit worried about it. They were running late, and it meant sitting in the waiting room with lots of pregnant women.....which was a big eye opener! It was boiling hot, heaving, and I so didn't want to be there! It made me very uncomfortable. My appointment was fine, but I will need to have a small op on my tummy in a couple of months time ("women's troubles"!) Not exactly thrilled, but I am so sick of the pain in my tummy that enough is enough. Hopefully it should be a quick recovery, and a non-event. That's what I want anyway.

I left and was super glad to get out of there! It was a bit close to home. On the one hand, I felt a bit sad, as every woman was there with her partner, and obviously I didn't need anyone to go with me, but it brought home the realisation that I do not have the Tim anymore. And that made me really sad. Because should I decide to have a baby one day before I'm over the hill, I would have wanted him to be the one standing beside me. And couple that with the fact that I miss him terribly. But it also made me realise that I am truthfully very scared of all of that! And I'm beginning to understand why Tim was too. No doubt for men it's a little different, and perhaps they think more along the lines of financial responsibility and losing their freedom. But I realised however much I might want to have a baby, I would be irrationally terrified of losing my figure, gaining weight, etc, as well as all of the indignity of it all!  My own exam reminded me of that ;-) 

So I came home feeling all icky and really realising that I would be quite embarrassed to have to go through all of that, and perhaps it's not what I  want after all. I don't think I could do it. And it played on my mind the rest of the evening. I wanted to call Tim and tell him I'm just as scared as he is and that it's not on my radar at all. But I know if I did he either wouldn't really believe me, he'd think of other reasons we weren't on the same page, or that now three months have passed, and he doesn't feel that way about me anymore. 

Life sure can be cruel. Is it normal to be so confused about this sort of stuff? I think we're just conditioned that marriage and babies are a natural progression after you've bought a house and established your career. I've thought I wanted that as long as I can remember, but now I'm not so sure. I know what I want most of all, and I can't have it back. 

I had a funny dream last night, that was very vivid and felt real. In short, it was that everything turned out all right, and made me happy. I got a bit teary when I told my mum about it today. I don't know why your brain messes with your heart like this- what's the point if it's just fantasy?

I've been thinking about stuff for a while, and I feel I sum up where I am at the moment in this phrase " I can't make the pictures in my head come true". 

I took my heavy heart off to gym tonight, as my training buddy always says to me "try and come in the week. It's boring when you're not there!". It was a good distraction, and we always do a lot of chatting as well as training. We did handstand conditioning which was good too, as I never do any conditioning!