Good Grief 106

Gosh, what a joy. Lands and all that they hold - such a wonder.
I was feeling guilty about avoiding meeting up with my friend but I had something that I'd been putting off to do today and I combined it with a bit of a wander.
I know that avoidance is a key factor in depression but I also know that at the moment this is what I need to do, for now anyway. Since my husband died I have wished that there was something that helped me feel more connected to the world. I was listening to Patricia Greene (who plays Jill Archer on the Archers) on Desert Island Discs recently. She talked about the death of her husband and when asked what kept her going afterwards she talked about her son. I know we should 'keep going' for our own sakes and not put that on anyone else. But it is hard to work out what makes up 'my world' .. that sense of having much to show for being here. I have tried odds and sods of voluntary work, other activities and 'stuff' generally - none of which has been quite right, it hasn't 'fitted' somehow, and maybe nothing can or will. I think I have said it here before, but not having had my own family is something that will always be another sense of profound loss that I will always feel.

I might return to that again but today was about something else.
It was about a sense of kinship across time. It was about not being confined to the connections that are in my immediate orbit but those that are at some other atomic level of which I am barely aware and yet at times like today I feel all around me - in the ancient ground, in the stones, in the histories, carried through time by the evocative calls of the geese and which are deeply felt within the land and my feeling of connection with it.